Random Acts of Kindness .....

In many ways I consider newspaper reading, breaking news, idle gossip ..... corrosive; like slow drips of acid on the human psyche. After sometime no matter how upbeat one is, the constant barrage of negative news is simply too much. Overtly dramatic ? Perhaps .... but being inherently cynical; such reports only cement my belief; that if the human race were to be eradicated then every other species on earth would benefit !!

Almost a non sequitur :) Considering how much my family enjoys road travel - when I casually envisaged being recipient to random kindness I always thought it would be somewhere remote. Like Spiti Valley or Lahaul Valley, near Chandratal or Kunzum Pass; near Tukula in Sikkim or when we bolted through the Chambal valley [ The landscape was so .. so .... beautiful  ] And yet when it happened - it was in my own prosaic corner of the world. Near Mangalore.

After spending the weekend in Mangalore we set out on Sunday. My hubby was worried about the air pressure in the tyres but perhaps b'cos it was Sunday - we did not find any place open for an air check for a long time. The roads were in an appalling condition. So many potholes, I felt like we were playing hopscotch. Anywayz ...when we finally spotted a place - we had the air checked.

So of course - based on Murphy's laws - at the next pothole we got a flat tyre !! After jacking up the car - when we went to get the spare tyre - it had no air. Again .. but of course ! :)

Broad daylight and no specific cause of worry but I was looking towards the road wondering who would respond to a gesture for help. I did not flag anyone and I have no idea of the expression on my face but a SUV full of guys who looked like they were in their early twenties came to us - from the opposite direction. And they asked if we needed help.

After a short talk - they offered to take the tyre to the nearest place, get it filled with air and come back. They insisted my hubby stay back probably b'cos our child and I would be left alone. It was this additional step that disarmed me. It is one thing to help but to be sensitive to other factors ? Not expected. Since obviously we had qualms [ although not voiced ] - two of them also stayed with us.

When the tyre was fixed - during the casual talk, it astonished me when I heard, these guyz had passed us in their SUV and had turned back when they felt something was wrong. Another additional step ......

The beautiful spot where we our tyre went flat !

This post  makes it sound like I have not been at the receiving end of kindness from strangers. I have and some of them life giving. Still ..... they were quite some time back ..... [  And perhaps that is another post - whenever relevant ! ] :)

With a misanthropic bent of mind - is it any wonder , a random act of kindness by complete strangers has left me bemused ?? ! But ... true to form [ yes yes ... true to form; don't be so disbelieving :)  ] - I want to pass it on whenever I get a chance. :)

No one can have it all !!

No one can have it all. No one !

There !!! That is my line in the sand. I am growing increasingly weary of reading that "Women cannot have it all". True. However it misses an essential point. No one can have it all. That is akin to saying one can eat one's cake and have it too. Nope not happening !

1. "Opportunity cost"

This is a concept in economics that expresses the basic relationship between scarcity and choice.

To pick from from Wikipepedia

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines it as "the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen".

Did a guy choose to take on a bigger role in sales ? It may be that he will have less time with his teenager son.

Did you choose to work after having a baby ? Well that has the associated cost of your kid not having a full time parent. Conversely - did you choose to be a SAHM ? Well perhaps the art world lost some excellent paintings since you decided to hang up your brushes for a while. Hmmm ???

The notion of opportunity cost plays a crucial part in ensuring that scarce resources are used efficiently.^[3]

The point is - every step, every choice, every direction taken always always has an opportunity cost. We make what we think is the best decision for that particular set of circumstances with whatever information and limited resources we have at hand.

Trade-offs are a part of life - whether you are a man or woman.


2. Balanced life is a myth.

If one wishes to be good at anything - one needs to invest the required time and energy. The way I see it - choose your important areas and focus on them.

Does this mean - I consider home and work to be on opposite sides of the coin ? No. I prefer to think
that one should aim at achieving a state of dynamic equilibrium. 


3. Dynamic equilibrium

To me this indicates constant motion [ preferably forward !! :) ] and a state where many competing influences are balanced ; over a period of time. It is the totality that counts - not a  a daily accounting of  'perfection' in all areas. All competing forces do not have to be created equal every single day.

It is fine if today you were a better manager and yesterday you did better in the role of a parent.

Having it all

• First - there is no "Having it all". Instead look at being in a state of dynamic equilibrium.

• Second - Choose your idea of what works for you. Prioritize ruthlessly. Refuse to torture yourself with guilt. This includes having crazy standards like

• Home has to be as clean as that of someone else who has 4 live-in servants.
• Cooking skills have to be equivalent to that of a chef who makes her/his living as a top chef.
• Corporate climb has to be the same as that of another man who may not be baking those cupcakes for his child's entire class.
• Children should always approve of you as a parent. [ Seriously ?? ]

• Third - Chill out. Stop wanting to "do-it-all". Delegate. Don't many superiors think they can do a better job than their sub-ordinates ? [ This includes your MIL too ;) ] It doesn't stop them from delegating right ?

• Fourth - Women are needed in the work space - as this Catalyst report clearly indicates. 

Does this mean I don't understand reality ? Of course not - the glass ceiling exists and so do the booth babes. The feeling of helplessness when you are in another city and your child is battling with fever miles away, exists.

However reality also means - house work never ends ! Bias and prejudice exist every where - be it based on gender, culture, country, race etc. Bias also exists when a guy wants to take time off to be with his child - especially if it is for a long duration. :)

Indra Nooyi's mother

I wrote this blog after reading that appalling tale of Indra Nooyi's mother - who asked her daughter to leave her crown outside and get milk at 10 o clock.

To me - she is classic example of a weak person - who could neither get the milk herself, nor could bring herself to ask her son-in-law to bring the milk. She was incapable of appreciating her daughter but chose instead to cut her down to size probably out of small minded jealousy ... showing that we women are sometimes our own worst enemies.

Expectations Inheritance 

I know I am lucky. I have excellent women role models and men who are strong enough that strength in a woman does not scare them. If I come home with a crown - my mom as well as my mother-in-law would be as proud of me - as they would be if their son came home with it. 

At the end of day - I would hope that by choosing not to "Have it all" - we can pass realistic aspirations to both our sons and daughters. It could mean happier homes and not houses that are battle grounds with insane expectations.

It could also mean that when a woman came home - in spite of the mound of dishes in the sink - she can still relax b'cos nobody is holding her up [ including herself ] to impossible standards and someone else may choose to load the dishwasher or simply wash up. Pragmatic wouldn't you say ?

It is the best of the times, It is the worst of the times .....

I think we live in an age that is slowly allowing us women to have the best of both worlds. We can take time off in years and come back to the working world. Or we can continue working through out. Sure we pay a price - but then there is that idea of "Opportunity Cost" all over  again !

Book Review - Lean In - Sheryl Sandberg

I don't know why I passively resisted reading this book but I did. I had heard the TED talk first and for some reason felt the book would be a  list of To-Dos which would never be achievable in the real world. Sounds uncharitable to have jumped to that conclusion. The TED talk is good and the points she mentions are true and yet I put off reading the book ! I am glad I finally read it.

So - what stands out for me in the book ?

1 -- The fact that she admits to having doubts, fear, worry and is not effortlessly confident all the time. It is the kind of vulnerability that I find myself astonished she would admit ! 

That a person like her has self-doubts and is unsure makes me feel - it is okay not to have all the answers. This is what drew me in and what made me continue reading. The book was not formulaic and the candid tone was refreshing.

2 -- The “Tiara Syndrome” !! 

In her own words -  it is where women “expect that if they keep doing their jobs well, someone will notice them and place a tiara on their head.”  Performance in school [ where the Tiara Syndrome is perpetuated I feel ] especially for girls is not always indicative of how well they will do in their careers. Especially the road to the executive office.

3 -- An internal report at Hewlett-Packard revealed that women only apply for open jobs if they think they meet 100 percent of the criteria listed. Men apply if they think they meet 60 percent of the requirements. 

I have seen this and am not surprised by the report but it bears re-iterating.

4 -- The way women leave before they actually leave. 

So many decisions based on "What-if" situations that are years away - be it marriage or children or elder care. The years before having a family are the time to work hard. I think her idea that  professional women measure the cost of child care against their future salary rather than their current salary - would ensure the years leading to family responsibility are not frittered away.

All in all a very good book that I would definitely recommend reading. 

Other snippets that I found informative and worth mentioning are listed below.

• A 2011 McKinsey report noted that men are promoted based on potential, while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.

• Fear is at the root of so many of the barriers that women face. Fear of not being liked. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of overreaching. Fear of being judged. Fear of failure. And the holy trinity of fear: the fear of being a bad mother/wife/daughter.

• Women, feel fraudulent when they are praised for their accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, they feel undeserving and guilty, as if a mistake has been made. Despite being high achievers, even experts in their fields, women can’t seem to shake the sense that it is only a matter of time until they are found out for who they really are—impostors with limited skills or abilities.

• We consistently underestimate ourselves.

• When a woman fails, she is more likely to believe it is due to an inherent lack of ability.

• Career progression often depends upon taking risks and advocating for oneself—traits that girls are discouraged from exhibiting.

• Success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women.

• He said that when you want to change things, you can’t please everyone. If you do please everyone, you aren’t making enough progress. Mark was right.

• I realized that searching for a mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince Charming !!! LOL ..

• I don’t know any woman who feels comfortable with all her decisions.

• Like me, most of the women I know do a great job worrying that we don’t measure up.

• Every job will demand some sacrifice. The key is to avoid unnecessary sacrifice.

• A task "Done is better than perfect".

• The right question is not “Can I do it all?” but “Can I do what’s most important for me and my family?”

And lastly ...

If society truly valued the work of caring for children, companies and institutions would find ways to reduce these steep penalties and help parents combine career and family responsibilities.

Wild Hope ......

Wild Hope - when I truly understood the diagnosis,
Wild Hope - when I realized the terminal prognosis.

Wild Hope - because you hear of miracles happening everyday, everywhere ; One just needs to BELIEVE !
So ... I shush my voice of reason .. even though inside I grieve.

Wild Hope - through the slow and steady decline,
Wild Hope - because I want her to be perfect and fine !!!!

Wild Hope - even though I can see the loss of the precious person inside,
Wild Hope - even though I know that time is not on my side.

Wild Hope - through those numerous hospital trips,
Wild Hope - even as another part of her chips.

Times passes, a little battered and bruised - my wild hope is still there,
After all what is the point of wild hope even if my wish for a MIRACLE has no prayer ???

Then ...... I look into the face that had looked at me with love and joy; whose essence has now flown away,
And still that wild hope lingers - thinking everybody could be a wrong ...... but no .... not that day.

And my heart stutters ...... 'cos I knew ......... always knew it would come to this,
But that wild ...... WILD HOPE I did not want to dismiss.

Now the ashes are immersed and the prayers are said ....
I am happy she is out of pain and there are no incidents that portend slow dread.

The days come and go, time passes in  haze,
I hate knowing - music does not touch her ; neither do the sun's rays.

Life goes on - but sometimes the stoic mask is difficult to maintain,
'Cos the void left by her absence - will always remain.

RIP Mom