Books I read in 2017

2017 has been a good year for books. I have read more books this year than any year in the past. I think the reason could be that I was reading less fiction. It helped that I decided I would not read fiction first without reading a little bit of non-fiction first - every single day (I did slip a few times though). Surprising just how much it worked. Because once you open a book that's interesting then one wants to read more and more. It could also be, that I have become more discriminating in my taste for fiction !

Anyway - I have read  30 books. For a person who rarely goes beyond 10 (fiction not counted) it is a huge jump. I have thought about keeping up the same pace next year but have decided not to keep a target lest I worry more about the numbers and less about understanding the content !! Some books need lots rumination and I find it always helps to go about them slowly and thoughtfully.

In this post I will only be mentioning a few books that made an impact. I have not reviewed all of them but have mentioned all the ones that stood out for me. They are listed here in no particular order.

1. Deep Work by Cal Newport

Increasingly in a world filled with stimuli that asks us to respond immediately this book encourages the opposite. It talks about having non-interrupted periods of time wherein one is involved in deep work. Work that fulfills us, work that allows us to create. It resonated with me.

Key Point -

Deep Work: Professional activities performed in a state of distraction-free concentration that push your cognitive capabilities to their limit. These efforts create new value, improve your skill, and are hard to replicate.

Shallow Work: Non-cognitively demanding, logistical-style tasks, often performed while distracted. These efforts tend to not create much new value in the world and are easy to replicate.

However achieving deep work is not easy. One needs to rewire and train the brain to be able to resist distractions and develop the ability to concentrate intensely. Deep work -  is increasingly important in a world where even if you are talented and skilled - you need to produce.

From the book -

Two Core Abilities for Thriving in the New Economy

1. The ability to quickly master hard things.
2. The ability to produce at an elite level, in terms of both quality and speed.

The book suggests how to schedule such deep work  periods for oneself in an era of increasing distractions to create fulfilling work for oneself. It gives suggestions on how to retrain one's brain to concentrate and how to manage one's schedule for different work types / personalities.

My take : Must read. It is a good idea to differentiate one's day from that of a maker to that of a manager or both. That way one can schedule periods of deep work appropriately. More info at this link - Maker vs Manager from Farnam Street.  

2. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

I think the review by Bill Gates is the best for this book ...
https://www.gatesnotes.com/Books/When-Breath-Becomes-Air

My take : Read - if you want to know the life of a neurosurgeon who battles terminal cancer and tries to answer the basic questions of life - What makes a life worth living?  What makes life worth living in the face of death?

3. The Smartest Kids in the World - by Amanda Ripley

Even though the focus of the book is comparing the education system in the US versus that of the countries with students who the top PISA exam; this book is relevant if you have children (or work with children) and want them to succeed academically and beyond.

Some key points -

1. Praising all the time is not good for children ( Read Carol Dweck's - Mindset ) because while self-esteem is important it needs to come from hard work and authentic accomplishment. Mere flattery will not boost self-esteem and may do more harm instead.

2. It is better if children are allowed to fail when they are still children. The lessons about hard work, persistence, integrity, and consequences—will serve a child for decades to come.

3. Kids should be uncomfortable sometimes; that’s okay. However they should not be frustrated or despairing.

4. All children must learn rigorous higher-order thinking to thrive in the modern world.

5. Mastering the language of logic helps to embed higher-order habits in kids’ minds: the ability to reason, for example, to detect patterns and to make informed guesses. Those kinds of skills has rising value in a world in which information was cheap and messy.

6. Math is a language of logic. It is a disciplined, organized way of thinking. There is a right answer; there are rules that must be followed. More than any other subject, math is rigor distilled. And rigor is very important for accomplishments.

7. Mastery of math never made anyone get to work on time, finish a thesis. No, those skill sets have more to do with motivation, empathy, self-control, and persistence. These are core habits, workhorse traits sometimes summed up by the old-fashioned word character. 

A quiet drive or grit helps children grow even if there are temporary setbacks when understanding math. These are life skills not just math skills.

My take : Read - if you want to understand how to help children succeed in life. 

4. The Numbers Game: The Commonsense Guide to Understanding Numbers in the News, in Politics, and in Life by Michael Blastland & Andrew Dilnot

Entertaining and informative. The idea of chance clusters due to randomness and how it could affect a cancer study was illuminating. Like most statistics books it touches on the usage of averages - wherein an average is just an abstraction.

Suggests - Whenever you see an average, think: “white rainbow,” and imagine the vibrancy it conceals.

It also helps to keep these things in mind when reading statistical numbers

• Statistics is an exercise in coping with, and trying to make sense of, uncertainty, not in producing certainty. Suspect certainty when reading numbers.

• What generally matters is not whether a number is right or wrong—they are often wrong—but whether numbers are so wrong as to be misleading.

My take : Read - if you would like to make sense of the statistical numbers that you see in every day life.

5. The Art of Learning by Josh Waitzkin

The author - is a chess prodigy who also goes on to become martial artist. Along the journey we learn what guided his personal achievements and how to carve a path to excellence. The description of how Josh starts to absorb blows when being pummelled during the Tai Chi class and then being able to deconstruct the moves to help him master the art is fascinating.

Key points -

1. On Dirty Tricks - Handling dirty tricks is a part of the game. There will always be creeps in the world.

I thought this was very important. The dirty tricks played in chess (as well as in martial arts) took me aback. There's a whole science behind dirty tricks and how to subtly or overtly demotivate an opponent. Learning how to handle these, even ones you might not expect is crucial.

2. On preparation - The only thing we can really count on is getting surprised. No matter how much preparation we do, in the real tests of our lives, we’ll be in unfamiliar terrain. We have to be able to do something slowly before we can have any hope of doing it correctly with speed.

3. On relaxing and handling pressure  - Players who are able to relax in brief moments of inactivity are almost always the ones who end up coming through when the game is on the line. The unconscious mind is a powerful tool, and learning how to relax under pressure is a key first step to tapping into its potential.

4. On learning - The real art in learning takes place as we move beyond proficiency, when our work becomes an expression of our essence. We cannot expect to touch excellence if “going through the motions” is the norm of our lives.

My take : Must Read - if you want to learn how to learn, be a life long learner and achieve top results.

6. Siddhartha by Herman Hesse

I find myself unable to distill thoughts about this book into a cohesive summary. Superficially it reads just like a story. However it conveys a lot more. This book narrates the life story of Siddharta and his journey to know the answers to the questions of life.

Simple but profound; just like the book says - "Knowledge can be conveyed, but not wisdom".

This book made me think, pay attention to passing moments and be still (as much as I can).  Each time I read, different sentences made me pause.

My take : Read - if you want to think about life. Re-reads give new insights every time.

7. How to Lie with Statistics by Darrell Huff & Irving Geis

A Bill Gates recommendation that I am finally getting around to reading now. I enjoyed this book. Instructive with case studies to highlight how statistics can be used to befuddle the issue and influence a view point in a desired manner.

The authors show examples of distortions using  -

1. Misleading averages and ranges
(You might take 61 degrees as a comfortable annual mean, giving you a choice in California between such areas as the inland desert and San Nicolas Island off the south coast. But you can freeze or roast if you ignore the range. For San Nicolas it is 47 to 87 degrees but for the desert it is 15 to 104.)

2. Small sample size

3. Missing data

4. Correlation does not mean causation
(You can show that clear weather is more dangerous than foggy weather. More accidents occur in clear weather, because there is more clear weather than foggy weather. All the same, fog may be much more dangerous to drive in.)

4. Bias (the laboratory with something to prove for the sake of a theory, a reputation, or a fee; the newspaper whose aim is a good story; labor or management with a wage level at stake)

5. Shifting base that accounts for the trickiness of adding discounts
(When a hardware jobber offers “50% and 20% off list,” he doesn’t mean a seventy per cent discount. The cut is sixty per cent since the twenty per cent)

6. Different ways of representing a figure
(You can, for instance, express exactly the same fact by calling it a one per cent return on sales, a fifteen per cent return on investment, a ten-million-dollar profit, an increase in profits of forty per cent (compared with 1935- 39 average), or a decrease of sixty per cent from last year.)

To quote the book - "A well-wrapped statistic is better than Hitler’s “big lie”; it misleads, yet it cannot be pinned on you."

My take : Must Read - To understand the many ways in which you can be fooled !

8. Business Adventures: Twelve Classic Tales from the World of Wall Street by John Brooks

This book has been in my TBR pile forever it seems like. Another Bill Gates's recommendation - It is his favorite business book and was given to him by Warren Buffett. He says it is Warren Buffett's favorite business book too.

This book has 12 tales of business adventures and they are eye openers. It shows how people behave and how their behaviour affects business. Businesses may change, technologies may change but human nature at its core does not. And so even though one may shake one's head when reading some of the stories ultimately, we do not always make rational choices and this shows up in business. Beware though each tale is a long read.

The stories are -

1. Stock market crash in 1962 and how the exchanges got together to prevent the panic from causing too much damage. (Astonished me no end !!). There was no reason for the panic but it ensued in mayhem nevertheless.

2. How Xerox made a dangerous and risky bet on photocopying. It worked but then they got complacent.

3. Over hyped Edsel Car launch failure by Ford. Small cars had gotten popular in the interim.

4. Non compete/Intellectual property rights/Trade Secrets - How a Goodrich engineer was almost prevented from working for a competitor due to the trade secrets he knew.

5. Pricing fixing within GE and failure of its internal communication.

6. Insider Trading - Texas Gulf Sulfur employees making money by trading based on inside information.

7. Piggly Wiggly - story of how a publicly traded company can be undermined by outsiders who manipulate the markets (Chilling !).

8. Federal income tax - A look at American taxation and how it has become very convoluted (and unfair?).

9. Sterling crisis - A strong bank alliance between various countries kept the pound from being devalued for a considerable time. (It was devalued later).

10. Market Fraud - A company was leveraged on falsified receipts. Trading was done using these fraudulent receipts as collateral. The exchange along with banks got together to ensure the customers did not lose everything. The customers got all their money back. Unusual.

11. Stockholders meetings.

12. Role of a person coming from public sector to private sector.

My take : Must Read - If you want to learn about unusual and cautionary business tales intertwined with human complexity.

9. So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport

This book argues against following one's passion in work. If you try to follow your passion in your job, you will expect it to bring heaps of rewards and be interesting all the time. It says that the only way to succeed is to become extremely good at something i.e - focus on becoming "so good they can’t ignore you". This is career capital. Initially one will not have career capital. It takes time to build it. However once built - one has control over one's career trajectory.

Key Points -

1. Mindset - Craftsman Mindset vs Passion Mindset - Whereas the craftsman mindset focuses on what you can offer the world, the passion mindset focuses instead on what the world can offer you.

2. Danger of following one's passion - When you focus only on what your work offers you, it makes you hyper aware of what you don’t like about it, leading to chronic unhappiness. Working right, therefore, still trumps finding the right work. Do what people are willing to pay for.

3. On career control - When no one cares what you do with your working life, you probably don’t have enough career capital to do anything interesting. But once you do have this capital, you’ve become valuable enough that your employer will resist your efforts.

4. On becoming good at your career - If you’re not uncomfortable, then you’re probably stuck at an “acceptable level.” Deliberate practice is above all an effort of focus and concentration.

My take : Read if you want to understand the argument for career capital. You may or may not agree on the passion mindset but whatever path one follows one has to be so good that one cannot be ignored.

10. Astrophysics for People in a Hurry - Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Reading this book was like a treat ! Immensely enjoyable. Not for nothing has this been awarded best book in Science & Technology category in Goodreads Choice Awards of 2017. (Okay okay I voted for it too !). The basic concepts of astrophysics are explained simply and in a straight forward easy manner.

Why the cosmos perspective is important is beautifully explained -

The day our knowledge of the cosmos ceases to expand, we risk regressing to the childish view that the universe figuratively and literally revolves around us. In that bleak world, arms-bearing, resource-hungry people and nations would be prone to act on their “low contracted prejudices.” And that would be the last gasp of human enlightenment.

The thrilling journey in the book talks about space as a hazardous place which forces us to reassess the value of all humans to one another, the common elements active in the universe, orbits of planets and stars, gravity and how Jupiter acts as a gravitational shield and ensures Earth is a place of  relative peace (cosmologically speaking), the different wavelengths used by telescopes and what one can infer from them, dark energy, dark matter (Dark matter is a mysterious substance that has gravity but does not interact with light in any known way), dark matter haloes (seriously!?) and how the next generations may see less than we do, as the growing expansion of the universe may take things beyond the visible edge. Fascinating !!

This point captured my attention too -

The twentieth-century American theoretical physicist John Archibald Wheeler said it best, summing up Einstein’s concept as, “Matter tells space how to curve; space tells matter how to move.”

My take : Absolute Must Read for a fun-filled dive into the world of the cosmos without any equations. 

Some other good books that I read :

1. Storm in a Teacup: The Physics of Everyday Life by Helen Czerski

My take : Read if you are interested to know about physics in every day life.

2. The CS Detective by Jeremy Kubica

My take : Read if interested in learning about algorithms explained using a story. I read it more from curiosity to see how algorithms were used in a narrative.

3. Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives by Gretchen Rubin

My take : Read if you want self help for starting and keeping habits.

4. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

My take : The title says it all. Read if you want to get hints on where one goes wrong while talking to children. This book has convenient comic-strip-type-panels which shows common ways a parent may behave vs the better way to talk/behave in a situation. Very very helpful.

5. NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman

Explanatory book which combines understanding the psychology of children along with the physiological changes. The true cost of sleep deprivation is mentioned in detail.

My take : Read if as a parent you would like to understand what makes your child behave the way he/she does and how you can be supportive.

6. The Theory That Would Not Die: How Bayes' Rule Cracked the Enigma Code, Hunted Down Russian Submarines, and Emerged Triumphant from Two Centuries of Controversy by Sharon Bertsch McGrayne

My take: Read if you want to know the tumultuous history behind Bayes Rule.

A new beginning .... or is it a full circle ?

Prelude : 

When I was in ........ [ Quick Observation - Don't many boring stories begin this way ??! ;) ] Indianapolis - I met a lady who was resolving some issues on my computer in the office and it took a while. We seemed to reach a friendly rapport and I found myself bemused with the kind of questions I asked her and her replies. [ They were so personal for a first chat - as it later occurred to me ].

For one thing - this was the time I was wondering if I should consider having a child once I was back in India. To me this was  not a light decision - it was a matter of a lifestyle change and obviously a mindset too. IMO it would not be fair to the child if I was not prepared for the adjustments and the sense of responsibility.

She simply said "Being a parent is a lifelong commitment, it does not end once they grow up. I have 3 children and they have children and yet I don't stop worrying about them ! ". Well ..... hmm this was something that had not occurred to me.

I then went on to her career and she astounded me when she said she had taken a 23 year break from her work and then reinvented herself and was employed now. She said that she had enjoyed the time with her children and she enjoyed having to learn new things once she was back in the job market and although the journey was not always easy - she was happy with her choices.

We chatted some more and while all my subsequent meetups with her were enjoyable the first talk really made an impression on me. Especially the part about being a parent forever ! :)

However I also realized I admired her for getting into the job market again after that kind of a long break. It definitely would not have been easy. As I discovered myself there is a bias when you come to the job market from a family related break. It does not matter whether it is fair or not - it is something that just is and needs to be acknowledged and handled.

Sabbatical : 

Anyway as life moved on -  I had a child - decided to take a break - initially was not sure if I wanted a 3 year break or shorter or longer but many readings I did around that time said - that the best formative years to be with the child were 0 - 8 years - so I did that.

I did my distance MBA after year 5 - took finance and marketing. And then when it seemed like my daughter needed less on-hand time [ emotionally she still needs me and her father too of course ] and preferred being with her circle of friends more - it looked like working was something I could now definitely go back to.

Job Hunting : 

And then the realities of the job markets - I would get many many pitches from job consultants who would back off once they knew I had come back to the job market from a break. One lady asked - Why was I even thinking of coming back ?? :)  I could never understand why they did not bother to read the headline of my CV - I was very very clear that I was coming back from a break and was looking at second innings.

All in all - I finally applied only to two jobs. One I had been called by the company and another was a link sent by my friend who had seen my status in facebook ! :) The first one - I called and checked that they knew I was coming after a break and when I was assured they knew - I went for the interview - only to get a rude shock. The person who was interviewing me clearly had not expected my break and although he spoke nicely, the bottom line was - they did not want me. I was very annoyed - not that they did not interview me - but that in spite of being clear on my CV they wasted my entire day !!

Friends' reactions to my job hunting - ranged from disbelief, encouragement,  to a quiet pity that I would never get a job ! ;)  LOL ..... Other than a couple of them - most friends for all their personal opinions were supportive.

On the whole I did not mind [ I AM realistic ] - Yes I would prefer to enter the corporate world again but that did not mean other avenues were closed.

Interview : 

The link sent by my friend was a linkedin url and I applied. After telephonic screening I was asked to come in person. And then to my astonishment the first person who I was to meet was the CEO of the company ! LOL - I was definitely taken aback. I called HR and they confirmed the same. As I was to later comprehend, the diversity initiative was his drive - and hence he was actively involved. [ He has since then moved on to  US within the same company and is now no longer the CEO of the Indian unit ] 

After his queries when he asked me if I had any questions; of course I had !!! After all how often would I get to ask questions of a CEO ? :)

Then came the technical round and couple more rounds. On skype I had the final call with my current manager and then got the offer letter.

First day : 

First day at my job was almost like a deja vu. The cubicles, the AC , the quiet hum of computers , the adjusting of the seat height and  the access cards ! It almost felt like the years had melted away and I was merely joining a new project ! I liked my colleagues and I joined at the right time ! One week later we went on a team outing where we played many team games that definitely broke the ice altogether ! :)

;)

Breaking the news : 

Tough times or times when you are not entirely sure of what the future holds do give you a better understanding of who truly are your friends. Reactions ranged from happiness for me to "Ok ok" over whatsapp !! As you can understand the "Ok ok" person has been relegated to "Don't bother" category ! ;) LOL ... Another friend was happy to come at meet me at my office !! :) I was happy too !! :)

What now ?

I don't know the future and I am taking things as they come ! :) There are of course different challenges now - the eternal work-life balance, how to be with my child, logistics of baby care etc :) Will probably be asking tips from "Both working" couples ! :)

I called up an aunt - the one who had supported me with a few words during my break; that I had made the right choice for me and never mind the nay sayers. She was pleased and happy for me.

In the final analysis that is what makes a difference - if you are given the same choices again - would you choose the same thing ? I know I would - so I am happy with the choices I have made and I am happy life has worked out to give me a chance at working in the area I prefer.

I have not said much about the support given to me by my spouse  and my child - simply because even the job hunting may have been a non-action item if they had not backed me !!! :)

I am also happy with the friends I have, since that all-too-important link was given by a friend who cared enough to respond to my fb rant !!!! ;)

It's a new beginning .. a path traversed before and yet .. different this time around ...

Education == Career is a lopsided equation

I was asked by a C-suite person - How were my friends similar to me faring in the job scenario ? I was a little bemused by the question 'coz I realized at that time I did not know any woman wanting to get back into the corporate scene especially after the kind of break I have taken - 8 years ! :)

I have never been one of those people who think that women do not matter the minute they do not earn especially if they have been educated. I firmly believe contribution comes in various forms and the equation Education == Career ( solely counting rungs of the ladder climbed ) views only one aspect of it. To be sure, being financially independent is great and does give a lot of choice and a feeling of empowerment but I have never run down women who take a break or don't take a break. What works for each person / family is different.

Personal choices aside - bringing up a child to be a good citizen is not something that should be looked down upon or taken for granted. Still there are a whole host of people out there who believe "children grow by themselves" and if a woman is educated and does not work - it is a waste educating her. Yes, I have been told this in various forms including by one elder person who honestly should have known better considering how much of life he has seen. Never mind !!!

Getting back to the question - I reeled off ..........

I answered that friends who have taken a break from a formal career - are doing different things now or are entrepreneurs -

• One had opened a book shop, has developed soft skills modules which are being integrated into the Diploma curriculum across the state, has worked with teen suicide helpline and and ....... does so many things I cannot keep track of them since they are so varied ! :) She is now on her latest entrepreneurial venture which will be open soon.

• This friend has opened a pre-school, is being advised by ISB which had chosen her as a part of group of women entrepreneurs within a certain criteria. Prior to this she volunteered in Doorstep school - a school for migrant children.

• Many friends have turned to teaching - be it as Montessori teachers, Primary school teachers. Maths coaching or even a Language teacher.

• Another friend works with differently-abled children and organizes events for them

• In the next circle of acquaintances - some one is into jewellery design, another into saree design, one has opened a toy library, another lady is a fashion designer.

And so ........ I was aware I had not really answered the question since I did not know anyone in the same boat as I was in but I did realize - I have diverse set of friends none of whom are looking at getting back to the formal ladder !!!! ;) 

As an aside - if I were to expand to the next degree [ Six degrees of separation anyone ? ] - I will come across women involved in organic manure, dog training, costume dresses, designer kids clothing, beautician, pastry baking, counselling special kids, webdesign freelancing, book lending library and elder care!

Parent Teacher Meeting - A gladiator ring

Parenting is no easy job and I feel there is no better place to view this anxiety and concern than at a parent teacher meeting. I always come from any such session feeling completely bemused ! :)

A gladiator ring with many participants is what comes to mind when I attend one ! :)

So ....

• One set of parents are annoyed that there is too much homework and another wants extra homework in holidays too !! :) Seriously ?!!!

• Someone says there is too much writing in the class and another says the school should have weekly essays so the children can improve their handwriting ! 

• One set of parents are so anxious about marks that they want every single question that can possibly come in the exam - written and thoroughly drilled over and over again into the kid ... and another set complains no end about how much the school emphasises academics !

• Checking spelling in the test paper causes anguish - after all the kids do lose marks in this endeavour of learning to write correctly. Can it not be eliminated ? Justification is that .. hey spell check is every where. 

I envisage a future --- "their" or "there" - both are perfectly fine and can be used interchangeably ! ;) The poor kid does not know any better after all !!! But I am wrong I realise -- I mean in sms lingo - it will be 'thr' after all so why worry ? :)

          

• An entire group of parents bemoaned how they do not know Marathi words and asked the teacher to ensure the kids jotted down word meanings so that the parents could understand what was being taught in the class !!! Ha ha ha .. this made me itch to say - Get a Marathi - English dictionary people ... problem solved !! :) 

• We all believe our children are Einstein, Picasso and Mozart rolled in one - so this dazzling array of talent has to be displayed (for each child)  in the school concert of 30 minutes ! :)

• It does not matter how the school infrastructure is - there will always be parents for whom the sunlight is not bright enough or the rain is not wet enough ! ;)

• And let us not forget eating !!! The talk goes like this - children should eat their food and so the teacher should check their lunch boxes daily but but but .... they are to learn to make the choice to eat healthy food given to them [ Err when ?] ! :)  You know what happens right ? The food goes down the toilet ! Literally !

The list goes on and on .... 

And so while I listen to these contradictory demands - I wonder if internally the teachers have the following thoughts in mind ! :)

Of jeans, ribbons ... and baby girls

 To a large extent I consider - jeans and a simple T-shirt the perfect attire. Oh I don't begrudge the saree its place as the ultimate elegant apparel or the skirt-suits their office appeal or the usefulness of a salwar-kurta. Still my go-to attire tends to be predominantly jeans ...

And into my life came - a daughter ! :) I understood two truths almost immediately ...

• While my dressing sense was a more or less indifferent, be-comfortable, on-the-go kind of fashion accident - I found I was more thoughtful with my daughter's clothes. Not only from an utility perspective but from a sartorial viewpoint too.

• I probably had only 12 years in which I could dress her up to my heart's content b'cos the truth is, she is most likely going to go around in torn / patched up jeans and gothic tees later on ! :)

Well - it turned out to be even shorter than that. 8 years only ! :)


I am now saying bye to those bunch of colourful, glitzy and multi-hued ribbons, those swirling fizzy skirts and bright flashy hair pins.  Glittery bangles / bracelets, vivid bow-tie hair-bands, innumerable flower adornments in all shapes and sizes are lying idle.

I did not devote much time on shoes / sandals since I firmly believe in a no-high-heels policy for children so the selection tended to be quick.

I learnt couple more hair styles than the ubiquitous French braid - it is now an unused skill !!

All in all - I think I spent more time in the girl's section for clothes, accessories and the like than I ever spent on my wedding regalia ! Ha ha ha ....

Today's reality -

• She does her own hair [ on holidays ]. She is in too much of a hurry to allow me it seems. So although the messy, bumpy hairstyle with many loose strands makes me wince I allow her to go to play in that ... She is proud of her creation after all ! :)

• Her favourite attire is a dress that I had had made from old scraps on a whim !!! 

• My neighbour's teen has a better idea of what is a 'cool ensemble' than I do. I am has-been in this department.

• She tells me couple of girls in her school worry that they are fat and do not eat well and asks me if she should do the same. [ Shocking !! ]

And a hint of more changes to come

• When I take her pics now - she makes crazy faces or has specific poses  !  Says - all I do is click very boring pictures of her smiling all the time ! 

• Listening to me - is now an optional activity ! :) In a sweet-steamroller-way - she merrily continues what she is doing ! 

• Admonishes me - "Mama, you told me to focus on the positive first , so how come when I showed you what I had done - you focused on the mistake first ? How come ??? " - Guilty as charged ...

All changes point to one thing - I need new skills to navigate these shifting sands ! :)

Key Learnings from - How Children Succeed - Paul Tough

I have made a ppt of the key notes ( if that is what you prefer to read ) from this book which can be found at this link -
How children succeed - Key Learnings.

I personally feel that much of the wisdom distilled in this book is common sense. However .... to quote
 "If common sense were all that common - we would all have it !!! "    :)

And so ... here goes ....

First of all - I expected the book to be a sort of manual on - How to 'make' children succeed ! The author in his wisdom - shared only details of how children succeed but not any specific tools ! :) My bad ! :)

Anywayz ..... I finished as fast as I could - I was so eager to read it since I had heard of it - in June 2013. I tend to be a slow reader where non-fiction is concerned. I write up the notes ( okay now I highlight ! ;) ) , re-read sections and in general seem to make a study of the book rather than reading. [ And yet - not all points remain in mind ;) ]

Most of the things that I felt were note-worthy in this book are based on two premises

• Good parenting has an effect that is not just emotional but also physiological. It literally alters brain patterns – especially in early childhood.

• Character matters. It is not just the IQ but EQ. 

Let me first focus on parental behaviour and nurturing.

• "The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say; it is biochemical". 

Long ago I had learnt that there were no perfect parenting models. I cannot recall where exactly I read this but what impressed me most about that message was that it asked parents not to worry that they were not perfect. That many parenting-mistakes-or-lapses could all be overcome with demonstrative love towards the children. It was a measure of reassurance.

This book reiterates the same albeit with more drastic evidence. It says that hardships create changes in the physiology of the child.

"Adversity during childhood can cause changes in the prefrontal cortex which is the center of self-regulatory activities. This kind of damage can last a lifetime - making it difficult for children to concentrate and to handle emotional disappointments."

And yet .... Even this kind of impairment can be alleviated with high quality mothering. Warm nurturing can act as a buffer against the biochemical damages stress can inflict on a child. Amazing I thought !!!

So .... although you may like showing flash cards, don't forget to be more attentive towards your children. Listen to them, respond to their emotional needs, comfort them, hug them, talk to them.

Paying full attention when the child is speaking or during a game of Jenga can make profound difference for a child's future prospects. It makes them more self-reliant and creates a "secure base" from which they can explore the world.

• "Under-parenting is harmful but so is over-parenting."

While under-pareting clearly creates stress which is not conducive to success in general - over-parenting is not good either.

Over-parenting is where where "Academic achievements are elevated above emotional needs".

In over-parenting - The child depends on external affirmation for success to such an extent that when unexpected challenges come in life - He / She does not have any internal resources to overcome them and hence can crumble at the first hurdle.



Now on to - Character development

What is character ? A succicnt definition by the author - "Character is created by encountering and overcoming failure"

After the age of 8 – IQ is not easy to manipulate. However character strengths – like grit, self-control, conscientiousness are better indicators of children who will prosper in life.

Mentioned below are some of the traits that are part of a character that can work towards success -

• Ability to manage failure

Rich children tend to be insulated from suffering while poor kids face nothing but challenges. Instead every child should have child-sized adversity which they can overcome without help.

• Ability to do mental contrasting.

This trait reminds me of the Scout Motto - "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst" To some extent this is what mental contrasting is about.

It means concentrating on a positive result while being aware of all the obstacles on the way. This helps - first of all to formulate alternate strategies and then to choose wisely amongst the choices.

• Optimism

An optimist does not remain down for long. After a setback an optimist will pick himself/herself up with a short term explanation for the bad event. They do not end up under a cloud of "Why me ? " or "I am always unlucky".

• Self-control and Flexibility

"Self control is ability to inhibit an instinctive or habitual response and substitute for a better less obvious one."

I am presuming that most parents by now would have heard of the famous Marshmallow test by Walter Mischel. It emphasized delayed gratification.

Delayed gratification which is mainly about self- control and flexibility hinges on -

1. An ability to think outside the box. [ Some of the children imagined the bar of chocolate to be something else. ] 
2. Ability to handle unfamiliar situations.

• Grit

It is the ability to persist. Stressed out children find it difficult to sustain efforts towards a particular goal since they tend to be overwhelmed with negative feelings.


Point by point some of the best ways to equip a child to be successful is -

1. Ensure he / she is protected from chronic stress especially in childhood.
2. Have a secure relationship with the child - ideally both parents.
3. Discipline - there has to be someone to say 'No' - so the child can know limits.
4. Allow the child to fall down and get up without help. The idea is for the child to learn to “manage failure”.
5. Do not over over-criticize.
6. Minimal after-school adult supervision is detrimental.
7. Do not burden the child with excessive achievement pressure.

To conclude

 "There are no short-cuts to success in raising children " ! 

Good luck !

(In)Sane parents !

We give new meaning to the term dysfunctional !

1. The "mele main kho ja" type

Child is in UKG - nobody to pick her up at the gate. So we drop her to her home .. and 3 of her family members in the house say "Oh we forgot about her " ???? Errr what ?

I sincerely hope they never take her to a mela - prime candidate for all those movie dramas !

2. The "barking" type

Parent - "Naksha what is the name of the covering of a tree?"
Naksha - "Bark"
Parent turning to her child and saying frantically [ test day syndrome ] - "Now remember , the covering of a tree is bark" , "B.A.R.K" , "Baark" ... "BAARK" ...

After a few more seconds of this scary "barking" the child ran away ! ;)

3. The "don't eat junk food" type 

Screams at her child for wanting to drink colas and eat chips and not do any physical activity. Fifteen minutes later is slouching on a sofa watching her favorite program - while munching on a giant bag of chips with cold fanta.

Junk food rules don't apply to middle-aged bodies I guess ! ;)

4. The  "fantastic swimming teacher" type

Two year old baby - swimming pool - both parents talking to other parents after spending 2 min in the pool. Boasting about the different techniques of teaching swimming. The child nearly drowns !! Luckily - spotted and taken out of the pool and they give a glare to the person who saved her.

I agree; it sucks to be interrupted while pontificating !

5.  The "waiting for her to grow up" type

Teen daughter - already 'knows' everything. Parents still waiting to have the "talk"  - about - "Not taking biscuits/chocolates from strangers" ... wow !

You missed that boat already dears ! LOL ....

6. The "I need my privacy" type

Child comes to neighbors house regularly on Thursdays at dinner time. After some time neighbor asks about it - Child says "Oh my dad wants to spend time with his girlfriend".

Love your neighbors - you never know when you will need them ! :)

7.  The "my child is like your child" type ... ;)

Saturday morning - 8am - drops her child to her friend's house without giving any heads-up. Picks up her child around 6pm. Does the same on Sunday. Reasoning - "Both my hubby and I had an exhausting week at work yaar !! We needed to relax" !!!

A friend in need is a friend indeed eh ?

8.  The "don't look into the eyes" type

While talking about her child - never looks into the person's eyes. She makes me feel like crossing my arms and saying - "Lady I am straight" !!!!

9. The "opinion poll" and "Hair-scare" type

Baby got hurt , big deep gash in the middle of crown - the mom calls 6 people for opinions on what to do - hey it is definitely not a "take-her-to-the-doc-if-you-have-a-doubt"  moment - she feels she will look foolish (???) if it turns out to be nothing ! So ..... what to do ?

Eventually she does not listen to everybody telling her to take the child to doctor considering the amount of bleeding. Instead she buries the gash in cold cream and turmeric. Six days later goes to a doctor ( for an unrelated reason ) who tears a strip of these "educated parents" and out comes the gooey mess with some hair - p..a...i..n..f...u...l..l..y.. for the child. Me thinks she was lucky the child did not go into septic shock ! The turmeric did its job I think.

And the ending - "I was so glad they did not have to shave her hair in that area or need stitches , it would have looked ugly ! " (??). Did not realize hair could not grow back!

10. The "logical" type

Mom buys only 2.5 inches spindly heels for her baby - says she looks very cute with them ... and wonders why her daughter falls down so often when playing running games ... ???

11. The "worry wart" type 
Who agonizes over every decision, thinks, re-thinks and thinks again ....until it becomes a truly tortuous torture and ties herself into mental knots ! :) What ??? You don't recognize me ? :)
Yours truly ! ;)

By no means is this list exhaustive! :) And in case you wondering - these are all true.

Inputs go directly into the Output ...

Consider a scenario - A group of friends and one rambunctious toddler driving the parents wild ... out comes the threat ...


"If you don't listen .... we will lock you in the bathroom / dark room / terrace " etc ... And for added benefit - the threat is carried out sometime too .. so the child knows exactly what that fear is ....

Cut the scene - a few years later - the parents saying "I have no idea why he/she is afraid of the dark - he/she is old enough now to switch on the light in a dark room by himself/herself".

 

Is this a rocket science that the result from such constant admonishments is not visible ? The inputs are processed to shape the output !!!

 

Yet I see this every day and from educated and supposedly mature parents ... the other variations of the same ...

• Don't go into the water you will drown ; Later -- I don't understand why he/she is afraid to go to swimming lessons and keeps screaming ?
• Don't run/jump/climb etc you will get hurt; Later -- Look at that kid ... he/she is so good at sports and you ....
• Don't eat that - it is not the season for it ... ; Later - my child is fussy about food ....
• Don't make a mess or keep quiet - I am working and switching on the cartoon channel .... ; Later -- all he/she does is watch TV whole day ...

Admittedly parenting is a tough job [ especially if you think it to death :))) !!! ] We don't have the energy to keep up with kids and trying to maintain discipline when the child is on the tantrum train is a nightmare ....... yet ... some effort at viewing ourselves from the outlook of a child is required I think.

  

It seems to me very often - kids need a break from parents more than parents needing a break from kids !!! The world is a wonderful place in the child's eyes and in these days when the time for innocence and fun is shortening day by day .... they need a break from the the conflicting instructions ...

 

This is why I think a child is given extra energy to be naughty and irrepressible ; simply because if it were otherwise kids would become robots performing at the will of parents !!!! And nobody including parents .. would like such kids !!! :))) Contradictory eh ? :))