Unsubscribe ... with a zeal ...

It had to happen ! Yesterday I was watching a TED talk on concentration and one of the items listed in the suggestion was a talk I had viewed before. But for the life of me I just could not remember anything about it. I know I had watched it solely because the title intrigued me (clickbait?!) and the talk did not disappoint - and yet here I was, hardly a couple of months since I had watched it (yes - I remembered that too) and could recall nothing of the talk itself.

So that made me curious - like any self-respecting software professional - I bookmark tons of articles, blog posts, books and videos to consume. This is continuous learning I am writing about. Not fiction.

Books 
I looked at the list of books I had read and there they were - couple of books that I had no recollection of at all !! Not a single point of those books stood out.

There could be couple of things here - One that I read so widely that nothing in those books stood out from the many blogs / TED Talks / Articles etc that I read. I already knew the material in bits and pieces from various resources.

I don't think this is entirely true. When I pick up a book - I try to do a basic synopsis (not as much in depth - as suggested in 'How to read a book') and at least as far as the books of last year are concerned I did not think I knew about those topics as much.

Two - They were just entirely forgettable simply due to a non-connect emotionally or due to no-usage day in and day out.  The forgetfulness curve set in and with nothing to make me remember (not yet added to my trusty Anki Spaced Repetition App) - like water through a sieve - it just drained out.

Subscriptions
Too many blogs these days do not have a RSS feed. Sometime last year I decided that if a website does not have RSS feed I would not bother with updates from that website. Yes, I may get less content but then it is not like I do not have plenty of good material to read. I am drowning in the To-Read pile.

Even with that I had a lot of mail subscriptions from authors that I thought I cared about. Looking through more than ~125 mail subscriptions I could not adequately recall enough to justify this kind of deluge and the time I spent on that deluge.

That UX design mail course - nothing remains in mind. I remember instead the UX designing trade offs that we had to make while developing our app.

That snippet of daily knowledge  - uh oh .. just cannot recall.

So ...... 

The end result -

1. I unsubscribed from almost all of the mail subscriptions - and they were quite a lot ! Phew !
2. Pared down my bookmarks to a minimum ( this took a while - I think there are some time-wasters lurking there but for now it will do)
3. Removed more than 100 RSS subscriptions
4. I always have a humongous list of next books to read - slashed it to 1/3rd !!
5. Videos and videos list - Completely revised the list and removed everything that went - 'I may get to this topic later' !! It never happens. Because then one makes a fresh search and list !!!

This clean up was definitely not my new year resolution but I am glad the way to have started this.

I have realized that I prefer my learning mostly from books / some MOOCs  and then projects. So I am sticking to what works for me.

'Deep Work' by Cal Newport made an impression on me and since then I have been following its tenets as much as possible. This year I hope to read 'Digital Minimalism' by him and make it even more easier to do deep work. Let's see.

And to ensure I stay on course if I do not consume what I mark for reading (articles/blogposts/videos) in a month - I will just delete it.

Books do not come in this list because some books are big and I take time to read them so the 1 month criteria does not work. What does work is keeping the book aside if it does not appeal. Life is too short to read boring books even if they are non-fiction. With some search - there will be other authors who will present the same material in a more engaging way.  Or even a youtube list !! LOL ... Back to the vicious circle !!!!

I have realized 'To-Be-Consumed-later' is a black-hole. Nothing that goes there seems to come out !!!

And so when I read this - I thought I am glad I am on the journey to consume more meaningfully.

500 unread mails, 2K unread articles, 5K unread posts – I am drowning

But I realized I had completely forgotten learning this lesson once before -

Infinity Redefined

Are we there yet ?

There is a book that comes to my mind again and again at odd moments. It is not a philosophical book or a religious book. Nor is it a tome filled with nuggets of wisdom. Not a biography or a memoir. Strangely, it is an early reader book that spans about 10 pages with about as many lines.  It is a book I had to read a zillion times to my child.

The book is titled "Are we there yet ?" and it reminds me of the journey of life; chasing the answer to that same eternal question. 

In the book Mickey and his group want to go to the Sandy Beach which is just a mile away. They miss the road to the beach and instead go the other way .. and the journey begins ...

Sandy Beach 1 mile, Dry Desert - 10 miles.

Then the question -

Are we there yet ? No ! This is not the beach ! :) 

And they go on ...
Sandy Beach 11 miles, Rain Forest - 100 miles...
Sandy Beach 111 miles, Antarctica - 1000 miles...
All the way to back to -
Sandy Beach 1 mile, Dry Desert - 10 miles .......
where they take the correct turn and end up at the beach they wanted to go in the first place.

At every stage there is a route back to the Sandy Beach and they consistently miss this turn.

To me the entire 10 page book is an allegory of life. The Sandy Beach is the ultimate enlightenment and the other stops are whatever we crave in life - status, money, fame, possessions, power. Basically any state that doesn't give a sense of lasting peace or a permanent "Yes" to the question "Are we there yet ?" or "Have I arrived ?" (To word it differently).

It seems a little naive and perhaps subtly condescending to say - status, money, fame, possessions, power are not the ultimate goals. But generally speaking; is there is a threshold when we say we have enough money? Or we have enough material possessions? There is always something more to buy, there is always more money to earn, more places to see, more power to wield, more followers to get, more more more ........ It is a never ending quest. No, at least I do not consider it the ultimate destination.

The ultimate destination or nirvana if you will; does not mean an end to experiences nor is it the end of pursuit. It does mean that what you achieve and the joy of achievement is independent of the need for validation - be it internal or external.

It is like enjoying the beach for its own sake - rather than racing through the experience to put up a selfie/picture to show you are enjoying. The act of sharing the picture itself is trivial. However there is a difference in putting up a picture to share your happiness with your friends vs putting up a picture to show you are enjoying.

And so - when I look at life - I know my answer to that question is:  "No - This is not the beach". I am still journeying (or lost ? ) ...... and that question still haunts me.

No one can have it all !!

No one can have it all. No one !

There !!! That is my line in the sand. I am growing increasingly weary of reading that "Women cannot have it all". True. However it misses an essential point. No one can have it all. That is akin to saying one can eat one's cake and have it too. Nope not happening !

1. "Opportunity cost"

This is a concept in economics that expresses the basic relationship between scarcity and choice.

To pick from from Wikipepedia

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines it as "the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen".

Did a guy choose to take on a bigger role in sales ? It may be that he will have less time with his teenager son.

Did you choose to work after having a baby ? Well that has the associated cost of your kid not having a full time parent. Conversely - did you choose to be a SAHM ? Well perhaps the art world lost some excellent paintings since you decided to hang up your brushes for a while. Hmmm ???

The notion of opportunity cost plays a crucial part in ensuring that scarce resources are used efficiently.^[3]

The point is - every step, every choice, every direction taken always always has an opportunity cost. We make what we think is the best decision for that particular set of circumstances with whatever information and limited resources we have at hand.

Trade-offs are a part of life - whether you are a man or woman.


2. Balanced life is a myth.

If one wishes to be good at anything - one needs to invest the required time and energy. The way I see it - choose your important areas and focus on them.

Does this mean - I consider home and work to be on opposite sides of the coin ? No. I prefer to think
that one should aim at achieving a state of dynamic equilibrium. 


3. Dynamic equilibrium

To me this indicates constant motion [ preferably forward !! :) ] and a state where many competing influences are balanced ; over a period of time. It is the totality that counts - not a  a daily accounting of  'perfection' in all areas. All competing forces do not have to be created equal every single day.

It is fine if today you were a better manager and yesterday you did better in the role of a parent.

Having it all

• First - there is no "Having it all". Instead look at being in a state of dynamic equilibrium.

• Second - Choose your idea of what works for you. Prioritize ruthlessly. Refuse to torture yourself with guilt. This includes having crazy standards like

• Home has to be as clean as that of someone else who has 4 live-in servants.
• Cooking skills have to be equivalent to that of a chef who makes her/his living as a top chef.
• Corporate climb has to be the same as that of another man who may not be baking those cupcakes for his child's entire class.
• Children should always approve of you as a parent. [ Seriously ?? ]

• Third - Chill out. Stop wanting to "do-it-all". Delegate. Don't many superiors think they can do a better job than their sub-ordinates ? [ This includes your MIL too ;) ] It doesn't stop them from delegating right ?

• Fourth - Women are needed in the work space - as this Catalyst report clearly indicates. 

Does this mean I don't understand reality ? Of course not - the glass ceiling exists and so do the booth babes. The feeling of helplessness when you are in another city and your child is battling with fever miles away, exists.

However reality also means - house work never ends ! Bias and prejudice exist every where - be it based on gender, culture, country, race etc. Bias also exists when a guy wants to take time off to be with his child - especially if it is for a long duration. :)

Indra Nooyi's mother

I wrote this blog after reading that appalling tale of Indra Nooyi's mother - who asked her daughter to leave her crown outside and get milk at 10 o clock.

To me - she is classic example of a weak person - who could neither get the milk herself, nor could bring herself to ask her son-in-law to bring the milk. She was incapable of appreciating her daughter but chose instead to cut her down to size probably out of small minded jealousy ... showing that we women are sometimes our own worst enemies.

Expectations Inheritance 

I know I am lucky. I have excellent women role models and men who are strong enough that strength in a woman does not scare them. If I come home with a crown - my mom as well as my mother-in-law would be as proud of me - as they would be if their son came home with it. 

At the end of day - I would hope that by choosing not to "Have it all" - we can pass realistic aspirations to both our sons and daughters. It could mean happier homes and not houses that are battle grounds with insane expectations.

It could also mean that when a woman came home - in spite of the mound of dishes in the sink - she can still relax b'cos nobody is holding her up [ including herself ] to impossible standards and someone else may choose to load the dishwasher or simply wash up. Pragmatic wouldn't you say ?

It is the best of the times, It is the worst of the times .....

I think we live in an age that is slowly allowing us women to have the best of both worlds. We can take time off in years and come back to the working world. Or we can continue working through out. Sure we pay a price - but then there is that idea of "Opportunity Cost" all over  again !

Education == Career is a lopsided equation

I was asked by a C-suite person - How were my friends similar to me faring in the job scenario ? I was a little bemused by the question 'coz I realized at that time I did not know any woman wanting to get back into the corporate scene especially after the kind of break I have taken - 8 years ! :)

I have never been one of those people who think that women do not matter the minute they do not earn especially if they have been educated. I firmly believe contribution comes in various forms and the equation Education == Career ( solely counting rungs of the ladder climbed ) views only one aspect of it. To be sure, being financially independent is great and does give a lot of choice and a feeling of empowerment but I have never run down women who take a break or don't take a break. What works for each person / family is different.

Personal choices aside - bringing up a child to be a good citizen is not something that should be looked down upon or taken for granted. Still there are a whole host of people out there who believe "children grow by themselves" and if a woman is educated and does not work - it is a waste educating her. Yes, I have been told this in various forms including by one elder person who honestly should have known better considering how much of life he has seen. Never mind !!!

Getting back to the question - I reeled off ..........

I answered that friends who have taken a break from a formal career - are doing different things now or are entrepreneurs -

• One had opened a book shop, has developed soft skills modules which are being integrated into the Diploma curriculum across the state, has worked with teen suicide helpline and and ....... does so many things I cannot keep track of them since they are so varied ! :) She is now on her latest entrepreneurial venture which will be open soon.

• This friend has opened a pre-school, is being advised by ISB which had chosen her as a part of group of women entrepreneurs within a certain criteria. Prior to this she volunteered in Doorstep school - a school for migrant children.

• Many friends have turned to teaching - be it as Montessori teachers, Primary school teachers. Maths coaching or even a Language teacher.

• Another friend works with differently-abled children and organizes events for them

• In the next circle of acquaintances - some one is into jewellery design, another into saree design, one has opened a toy library, another lady is a fashion designer.

And so ........ I was aware I had not really answered the question since I did not know anyone in the same boat as I was in but I did realize - I have diverse set of friends none of whom are looking at getting back to the formal ladder !!!! ;) 

As an aside - if I were to expand to the next degree [ Six degrees of separation anyone ? ] - I will come across women involved in organic manure, dog training, costume dresses, designer kids clothing, beautician, pastry baking, counselling special kids, webdesign freelancing, book lending library and elder care!

Take me where the sun is shining ......

He was the second child in a lower middle class family. Nothing very special... just one of the millions who did not live hand-to-mouth but luxury did not come by easily either. Every penny was definitely stretched as far as it could go. There were celebrations when he was born .. a boy.. after his sister.

He was destined for great things ; so he was told... he was very good at his studies , got into some mischief just as boys tend to do and in general was happy with life.

Everything changed when his Dad died. Not that his Dad had played fast and loose with money .. but some of the investments had sunk when the stock market crashed with the scams ... so he had had no choice but to work.

He had to give up his studies. His dreams of graduation and post graduation in a prestigious college were replaced by getting educated via correspondence. He was now a manager in a small manufacturing unit.

He had taken up the education of his sister and ensured she was married into a good family. She was now settled in US with her husband and one daughter. He was happy for them.

He himself was married with one son. Today morning his sister had come for a visit with her daughter armed with loads of gifts for the family. Then the inevitable comparisons began. He was monetarily in the same place his father had been while his sister was definitely in a better financial position with her double income household.

He tried to understand why they believed he made wrong decisions.

- He had not changed cities to follow a job that would have meant he could have had a better education along with work experience since his mother had balked at change in the cities
- He had laid aside money for his sister's education in good schools / colleges
- He had paid a lot of dowry to get his sister married into a good family
- He himself did not command a good dowry since he was not in very good job. Besides he did not ask for dowry. Was that wrong ?
- He did not expect his sister to share in taking care of his mother's hospital bills ...
... and so on ...

It seemed like his life had been shaped by the expectation that as the man of the family he would shoulder the
responsibilities.

Should he have moved from his hometown regardless of his mother's feelings ? Should he have made his sister sit at home while he finished his education with borrowed money perhaps ? Should he have gotten his sister married into a poorer family and saved money instead ? Should he have insisted on whatever dowry he could have commanded ?

He had never expected gratitude; he did not feel bitter or resentful but he had not expected his contribution to be summarily dismissed. Perhaps that was not the intention but that was the message he got. He realized he had made the mistake of not tempering his duties with his aspirations.

In the end perhaps .. monetary success was more valued than anything else but more importantly ; he had failed himself too. He forgot to add his needs to his list.

May be still there was time ... to change his path. To get out of his self-imposed straight-jacket. May be then he would not feel like a signboard on the path to success ! Perhaps ............... but as he stared pensively at nothing ; he decided he would teach his son to take care of his responsibilities but would add that he should take care of his dreams too ...

That following his heart was not an indulgence but something he owed himself.

Balanced Life is a Myth

Much has been written about Michael Jackson and more will be written. Already there are umpteen tribute songs, latest rehearsal clips and what not. There will be a whole industry that will cater to ensuring his memory is kept alive and and more importantly ... making dollars !! :) May be it will help clear his debts !! :))



I was thinking of his early debut in the music world. He joined the family band at the age of 5. Under the hands of his father he underwent infinite rehearsals to hone his talent. But is this so unusual ? It does not seem so .. consider the following celebrities...

• Venus and Serena Williams - who say they do not remember ever learning to play ... they just knew how to play !!!
• Andre Agassi - whose father Mike Agassi is supposed to have hung a tennis ball over Andre's crib and taped a racket to his hand as soon as he could walk !!
  

I am sure there are others .... but I am not commenting on the parenting styles of the parents of these celebrities.


My question is more basic - would these people have become so great in their fields without the overwhelming and relentless focus in their areas of expertise ? Just think of some other top-notch people -

• Michael Phelps - Trains 5-6 hours every day ... 7 days a week ... 365 days a year ... no holidays / Sundays. This hardly leaves him time for anything else.
• Tiger Woods - Was a child prodigy who began to play golf at the age of two. He does weight training and of course practises golf daily especially his swings.
• Vishwanathan Anand - Daily tunes up anywhere between 4 - 10 hours depending on whether he has a match or not.
• Warren Buffett - He was just 6 when he displayed his ability to make money off cola bottles !!
• Bill Gates - Was never satisfied to be the best. He always had to push beyond.
• It is well known that vocalists, musicians, dancers, circus performers, magicians etc have to practise/rehearse daily. It is not enough to know their trade - they must hone it on a daily basis.
  

This kind of targeted knuckling down obviously does not leave much time to lead a so-called-balanced life. And what is a balanced life ? Is it really good-to-have ?


When I was working I had attended this workshop called "I can". There was an exercise in which we were supposed to draw 8 spokes of a wheel. Each spoke represented a section of our life - like - spiritual , professional , health, relationships like father/mother/sister/brother etc ....I forget the rest. One had to mark how proficient one was in each section. 0 was the center. 10 was the extreme and represented 100%. And at the end of it .. we were to join all these points on the 8 spokes. Needless to say the joined dots never formed a circle which was supposedly the result to aspire for. But today I believe living a balanced life is a myth. Like it or not unless we invest in our orbit of excellence - we will never be good - forget being the best !


In this process of trying to lead a balanced life ... we do not seem to recognize that it seems to be a path to becoming a "Jack-of-all-trades-and-master-of-none". Perhaps it is time to accept that living a balanced life is not really desirable. It seems to be recipe to make one mediocre .... It is more beneficial to focus on our core strengths in one / two domains and realize that everything else will be at the expense of these ... and rightly so. Being a master in any sphere involves - time, effort, discipline and yes; sacrifice.
More to the point - Natural ability or talent ... will just remain raw potential unless it is exploited. Couple of areas of our life will dominate our waking hours - making time and having time for any other interest is just a bonus. So forget trying to be a 'super-anything' .... just be excessively good in your mainstays and let the rest take care of itself !! :))
This begs the question ..... For some these child prodigies - did their parents do a good thing by helping them harness their abilities or did they do them a disservice by pushing them so early ?
Would the genius have surfaced without the prodding ?