Stay a little hungry .....: Ruminations

Showing posts with label Ruminations. Show all posts

And still ...

A teen's passing, sudden and stark,

A soul gone, the body left in the dark.

Though not close, the pain runs deep,

A melancholic wound that still seeps.

Unexpectedly, at odd times it stings,

A sharp pain that lingers, I guess my heart still clings.

Abyss

The heart hurts, in so much pain,
Anguish and sorrow, unable to contain.

Lost in a void, so dark and bleak,
Misery takes hold, as hope grows weak.

Lonely and mournful, a time without light,
Death by a thousand cuts, toxic people in sight.

Their words and actions, a poison that seeps,
Leaving behind wounds and scars that cut so deep.

Barren and grey, the soul forlorn,
A dark night that never sees dawn.

Empty and bereft, agony that does not abate,
Perpetual torment the final fate.

Day by day, trapped with no way out,
A prisoner of the void, with no voice to shout.

Hopelessness consumes, an endless despair,
The black abyss is home now, desolation the only air.

Book Review - How Boards Work by Dambisa Moyo

The typical perception of boards and board meetings is of a group of privileged individuals who lounge at exotic locations and golf courses and only occasionally discuss the company's strategic direction while enjoying extravagant treats.

But this book is an eye-opener !!!

It highlights and gives a critical context to the difficulties faced by corporate boards and the ever-changing winds of change a board must navigate and maneuver through while facing these challenges.

Below are some of the topics covered in the book -

Globalization and protectionism, including the always-prevalent risk of confiscation of company assets.
The importance of diversity on the board.
Regional, political and legal considerations that may augur the need of local boards in the future.
Responsibility to society and the environment.
The impact of high-frequency trading on stocks and the possibility of a share-price collapse.
Threats from activist shareholders.
The CEO's role and the heated debate surrounding their pay.
Technology-based threats such as security and data breaches.
Role of Innovation in the company strategy.

This list is by no means exhaustive.

However, if you believe in the idea that;

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that anyone seeking a successful and fulfilling career must strive to become a member of a well-functioning board of directors",

then this book provides an insight into the demands a board faces and a crucial understanding of the complex skills required to get that coveted seat on a board.

It almost makes one wonder, "Hmmm, do they still find time to indulge in bonbons?"

Ref :

Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

First line of the book -

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

8 Ruminations on the past year 2022

So what has last year made me reflect on ?

1. Life can sucker punch you at any time !!! Yes I know this but still when it happened yet again, it left me completely winded and with my head ringing ! I am yet to find my balance from the current knock out punch I have received.

2. Schadenfreude - This person could barely keep her pleased smile from appearing on her face when she visited me (Uninvited! Bcoz of 'other' relations !). Did she think that would make me feel bad ? Nope, I know life does not leave anyone unscathed. The only difference is - your miseries may be hidden from me. ( But I already know for this particular person !!!! ).

3. Calling someone 'strong' is a cop out - Unless you are there to support or truly help; this is like saying - I called you strong and now my part is done thank God with no efforts whatsoever required after this.

Some kind of checking off the list ! Of course there is a place for backing off but in general, like Robert Pirsig said - it is just calling a name, you have not solved anything.

And don't you think I know when you cannot wait to get off the phone just in case I opportune you into helping me out when you clearly don't want to ????

4. My home, my castle and nobody asked your opinion - I never understand people who go to another person's house and start to criticize the house, the location, the décor, the cleanliness etc. First of all unsolicited opinions are unwelcome, second it does not increase regard, it only makes the person look crass, ill-mannered, uncouth and of terrible upbringing. That don't impress me much !!!

5. Toxic, Tone deaf people - Snip, snip, snip - Eliminating these kind of toxic people from my life. I have always removed such people but there were couple that I kept in touch with. Part of it I think, was sinking cost fallacy and the strength of weak ties. I have come to the realization that even for weak ties I can choose better. So .. off they go out of my life.

6. Old people need to earn their respect - An old person can get consideration for their old age infirmities physically but respect ? Respect is earned. A long lived life does not necessarily equate to a well lived life ( so many parasites' out there ! ).

Also why do people think that passing a derogatory comment about my child's upbringing the first time you meet her will make me want to please you ? It has the opposite effect. First of all it makes me wonder at how come old age has not made you nicer or wiser or even generous. It also tells me how out of touch with reality you are, desperately hanging on to your old age to claim your superiority because you have nothing else to offer.

And unluckily for you - my child has also judged you - and knows to avoid you like a plague !!! That respect you were hankering for, definitely ain't there mate !

7. Two month deadlines - are better for short term goals, and systems are better for both short and long terms goals. Personal accountability and productivity is something I enjoy and each year it evolves. This year I will be trying out this way for the things I want to do.

8. Living forwards and backwards - Living forwards - I still have my goal to keep working till 75 at least like the chairman of Persistent Systems; Anand Deshpande said we women should aspire to in his talk with us in Pune. Living backwards - On the other hand I think I am closer to the end than to the beginning of my life so I value my time more. Obviously I have no idea of my future life span.

What it does translate into is that - I chuck books that don't hold my interest, I no longer watch videos that don't grab my attention, I don't spend energy on things for the sake of impressing anyone but most of all - I no longer have a bucket list. I consider myself very lucky - be it travel, sports adventures, work that I like, sabbatical, friends, relatives, life experiences in general. I no longer feel the need to have a bucket list. I am blessed. And that is a good feeling. Does that mean I will not seek out new experiences ? No but it does mean I no longer am bound to a list of things I need to accomplish to feel fulfilled.

Here's to another year of life and its vagaries.

CLAT and Karma

Today is Dec 18th (IST) and why does this date make me sad ? I am thinking of that girl in Delhi whose face was splashed with nitric acid just a a few days back. She wanted to write the CLAT exam and had wanted to be a judge. Today she's in the hospital, I have no idea if her eyes will be okay and this to me is painful and distressing.

What a terrible blow to her dreams, her aspirations and a loss to our country too !!!

If she loses a year, that is still a lost year. And what about her future life ? What about her face ? Our face is our identity after all. I had seen one case during my engineering college days too. And felt the same anger, anguish for that girl.

How do men perpetuate such crimes ? Where they hate someone so much that want to erase her essence like this ? What makes them think they the right to do so ? This is masculine energy gone so wrong, where they believe in rights that they have not earned. This is the mantra of incels too and then of course of the whole set of people afraid of women's rights and the female trafficking offenders.

Now just imagine, if part of the victim's anguish and suffering can be given to these people. Say - if acid attack, well then they will also get one free as a part of the punishment. After all why should they not face the same trauma that the poor kid is undergoing ? Every crime should have an element of the victim's trauma added to the perpetuator's punishment. Even supposedly white collar crimes that cause financial misery and suicides in so many families.

I have always thought that 'An eye for an eye' will not make the whole world blind. It will make a portion blind but be a deterrent to the rest. After all that is how we are not yet in a nuclear war right ? Not that this is a guarantee that there will not be one. As days pass - 'Matrix' like days don't seem far away.

I have never understood all these TED talks about vulnerability and empathy being great qualities. Once you read "The 48 laws of power" by Robert Greene and "The art of war" by Sun Tzu, they seem even more laughable. On top of that such talks are mostly by women !!!

I guess I feel this way because I on certain issues I think I empathize to a detrimental extent. The dark side is that it is easy to feel so much that it weighs down on you. Long time back I had volunteered in a counselling center - I had to quit in a month (and the head counsellor agreed !) . It was so depressing - most of the women cited that the violence brought about on their person was by someone they knew !!!

I believe cruelty and kindness know no religion or gender though. However it does make me wonder, is karma really a thing ? Or just statistical normality - after all everyone gets some kind of comeuppance in life at sometime. Is that all it is ?

All this talk by saints and religious orders - all this assurance about rebirth, paying for your sins or that the meek shall inherit earth and about heaven and hell; is it just a hoax or a way in which to answer the most basic query by all - Will injustices seen in the world go unpunished ?

I have read the book 'Karma' by Sadhguru and I still do not feel enlightened about this aspect at all. I am still skeptic. And yet one keeps faith, because if one does not do so, where can one go for spiritual succor ? Hope keeps everything alive and one needs hope in divine justice.

So today as I sit here on a relaxing Sunday, thinking of watching the World Cup Football final, my heart goes out to that 17 year old school girl, whose dreams of writing the CLAT today have been taken away so sadistically. My prayers to her and hope God gives her the strength to get through this phase and come out shining and bright on the other side. Her path is not going to be easy.

And a year has passed ...

And so a year has gone by since that soul passed away. Today, at odd times I would remember - at this time she was alive, now, oh god now she must have gotten hurt and by now she was gone.

Made me think -

- One never knows when it is going to be one's last day.

- One never knows the last time one would say bye to a beloved sibling.

- One never knows the last time one would plan a joyous occasion with friends.

- So many lasts..... Too many lasts...

And so many I have gone through. Each loss is a drip of acid on my heart.

Why ARE we here ? Everything seems meaningless in the end.

Grief changes shape, but it never ends.

How do you measure a life ?

How do you measure a life ?

The loss of one has upended so many beliefs.

Even with records we fade in three generations at most.

Would you measure a person by their accomplishments ? The change they brought about in the world ? Where could the common person go in this case ? ( All those bones in the bone museum in Europe ? )

By the number of people who grieved their loss ? By the lives they touched - small or big ?

I do not have answers but it makes me think ........

Blues and Grays

A new year unseen,

A celebration not participated in,

Time moves on, relentless;

Repudiating the mourning within.

And still ....

Sadness

In the quiet of the mornings I remember,

In the middle of a presentation I recall,

When going about my daily routine -

A sudden twist in my heart as I recollect...

I wonder at the connection and

Why I still grieve ....

Why do I still feel a wrench in my heart ?

When in reality you were unknown to me.

Grief - Again

What can you say about 16 year old girl who died ? In a freak accident ?

I still feel pangs of sorrow when I recall the shocking news. It comes to me at odd times - one week has passed, a fortnight and now a month.....

A girl was riding her bicycle near her home, a speeding van hit the bicycle, she was grievously injured, taken to the hospital but did not survive.

So much heartache in those few words.

Such bleak and futile jumble of thoughts -

- Why ?

- A senseless loss

- Such a young child with so much to look forward to in life

- Vicarious grief of the parents ... Siblings ...

- Her birthday was 3 days later and her friends were planning her 17th birthday

- Her graduation day pic

- The happy smile

- Pic of her in Yercaud

- Pic of her in school - 5th std, the innocence

- The boomerang clip

- Her collection for eye care camp for the elderly, still accessible online

- She was the baby of the family

- Her teen friends being all weepy and all torn up

- The screen shot of 'not read' but delivered

- The short video in insta the prev day and her comment

- Her closest friend's celebrating her birthday on July 7th to get some kind of closure with her photo

- The accident itself

- The cold forehead after life flows away

- The idea that she had multiple injuries; and perhaps was on the road for god knows how long ?

- The hope that she did not suffer or feel any pain with her multiple injuries

- The hope that she was not scared and was hopefully unconscious when she was so badly hurt

- Life's fragility ....

A distressing depressing montage of images and a desolate cold void inside......

Unsubscribe ... with a zeal ...

It had to happen ! Yesterday I was watching a TED talk on concentration and one of the items listed in the suggestion was a talk I had viewed before. But for the life of me I just could not remember anything about it. I know I had watched it solely because the title intrigued me (clickbait?!) and the talk did not disappoint - and yet here I was, hardly a couple of months since I had watched it (yes - I remembered that too) and could recall nothing of the talk itself.

So that made me curious - like any self-respecting software professional - I bookmark tons of articles, blog posts, books and videos to consume. This is continuous learning I am writing about. Not fiction.

Books
I looked at the list of books I had read and there they were - couple of books that I had no recollection of at all !! Not a single point of those books stood out.

There could be couple of things here - One that I read so widely that nothing in those books stood out from the many blogs / TED Talks / Articles etc that I read. I already knew the material in bits and pieces from various resources.

I don't think this is entirely true. When I pick up a book - I try to do a basic synopsis (not as much in depth - as suggested in 'How to read a book') and at least as far as the books of last year are concerned I did not think I knew about those topics as much.

Two - They were just entirely forgettable simply due to a non-connect emotionally or due to no-usage day in and day out. The forgetfulness curve set in and with nothing to make me remember (not yet added to my trusty Anki Spaced Repetition App) - like water through a sieve - it just drained out.

Subscriptions
Too many blogs these days do not have a RSS feed. Sometime last year I decided that if a website does not have RSS feed I would not bother with updates from that website. Yes, I may get less content but then it is not like I do not have plenty of good material to read. I am drowning in the To-Read pile.

Even with that I had a lot of mail subscriptions from authors that I thought I cared about. Looking through more than ~125 mail subscriptions I could not adequately recall enough to justify this kind of deluge and the time I spent on that deluge.

That UX design mail course - nothing remains in mind. I remember instead the UX designing trade offs that we had to make while developing our app.

That snippet of daily knowledge - uh oh .. just cannot recall.

So ......

The end result -

1. I unsubscribed from almost all of the mail subscriptions - and they were quite a lot ! Phew !
2. Pared down my bookmarks to a minimum ( this took a while - I think there are some time-wasters lurking there but for now it will do)
3. Removed more than 100 RSS subscriptions
4. I always have a humongous list of next books to read - slashed it to 1/3rd !!
5. Videos and videos list - Completely revised the list and removed everything that went - 'I may get to this topic later' !! It never happens. Because then one makes a fresh search and list !!!

This clean up was definitely not my new year resolution but I am glad the way to have started this.

I have realized that I prefer my learning mostly from books / some MOOCs and then projects. So I am sticking to what works for me.

'Deep Work' by Cal Newport made an impression on me and since then I have been following its tenets as much as possible. This year I hope to read 'Digital Minimalism' by him and make it even more easier to do deep work. Let's see.

And to ensure I stay on course if I do not consume what I mark for reading (articles/blogposts/videos) in a month - I will just delete it.

Books do not come in this list because some books are big and I take time to read them so the 1 month criteria does not work. What does work is keeping the book aside if it does not appeal. Life is too short to read boring books even if they are non-fiction. With some search - there will be other authors who will present the same material in a more engaging way. Or even a youtube list !! LOL ... Back to the vicious circle !!!!

I have realized 'To-Be-Consumed-later' is a black-hole. Nothing that goes there seems to come out !!!

And so when I read this - I thought I am glad I am on the journey to consume more meaningfully.

500 unread mails, 2K unread articles, 5K unread posts – I am drowning

But I realized I had completely forgotten learning this lesson once before -

Infinity Redefined

Sridevi

Hearing of Sridevi's demise was a shock. Just like many - at first I dismissed it as a hoax. When it turned out to be true I thought - she was way way ... too young.

Psychologists would say I loved her image and of course it is true. It is not like I knew her personally. The sadness and 'sadma' nonetheless is not a piece of imagination. In my eyes - she was a queen.

Paeans can be written about her but I am going to write about the minor riot she incited ! Truly. It happened in my childhood and to say I found it astonishing is an understatement. You see these people who would be the last people you would think would get so heated up.

Let me start at the beginning. In my childhood TV was not as common as it is now, so most people gathered at the house of the neighbor who had a TV. Started with black & white and later color TV. These gatherings were only to watch relevant programs - Chitrahaar, Mahabharat, Ramayan or movies etc

The neighborhood I used to watch in at that time was of Jain Merchants. These people do not eat garlic, onions or eat after 7pm. [Alcohol is not even a thought !!]. Not aggressive unless it was to do with business; these were peace loving folk.

It was a Sunday afternoon and we were looking forward to watching Mr. India. Everybody in the neighborhood was watching the movie for Sridevi.

The parody song with the football, the eternal kate nahin kat te, the song about loving an invisible man were all over. We were eagerly waiting for the denouement of the movie along with the other famous song 'Hawa Hawaii'.

Everyday there would be power cuts and Sundays were no exception. It so happened however on that day - the power cut did not happen at the regular time. So the crowd was buoyed into thinking that perhaps there would be no power cut. There was some kind of vague idea that everybody knew 'Mr India' was being broadcast so the EB would not schedule a power cut. What a hope.

And just when everyone was looking forward to watching the movie till the end - the power went off. OMG !! The crowd in that home got enraged ! These people who I have never seen get too hassled about anything were livid.

They decided to go to the EB and demand that the power be restored. The EB was about 4 min away. I tagged along; curious.

So this horde of mostly middle aged men with a scraggly number of children whipped up to the EB. Alas that being a Sunday - there were no EB officials. For a minute they were taken aback and then the anger grew. Suddenly like dervishes they took stones and started pelting the EB office. I was stunned. I think I must have stared with my mouth open - at the spectacle of these uncles who so espoused middle age respectability that they were boring - were behaving like mindless hooligans.

After sometime no idea how long I quickly ran back home. [Mom's admonitions in general].

Nothing came of the mini riot of stone pelting and thank God no person was hurt. I used to see the EB office on my way to school and it took a long time for the broken windows to be replaced.

The main lesson I learnt though - people take their entertainment seriously. And if it is to do with a beloved actor - BEWARE. No logic works here. Even mild mannered people can turn into voracious mobs hell bent on destruction. Phew !!!

In the movie ''Sadma" there's a scene with Kamal Hassan in front of the diety Ganesha under a tree. Of all the so-called-mandir scenes this to me is the epitome of poignancy that captures his anguish, fear and also his humble appeal and prayer to God. Hell, he is in his shoes. Yet you feel the incipient pain. He re-lights the extinguished diya from the other lit diya. No words.

I pray to God she is happy wherever she is.

Are we there yet ?

There is a book that comes to my mind again and again at odd moments. It is not a philosophical book or a religious book. Nor is it a tome filled with nuggets of wisdom. Not a biography or a memoir. Strangely, it is an early reader book that spans about 10 pages with about as many lines. It is a book I had to read a zillion times to my child.

The book is titled "Are we there yet ?" and it reminds me of the journey of life; chasing the answer to that same eternal question.

In the book Mickey and his group want to go to the Sandy Beach which is just a mile away. They miss the road to the beach and instead go the other way .. and the journey begins ...

Sandy Beach 1 mile, Dry Desert - 10 miles.

Then the question -

Are we there yet ? No ! This is not the beach ! :)

And they go on ...
Sandy Beach 11 miles, Rain Forest - 100 miles...
Sandy Beach 111 miles, Antarctica - 1000 miles...
All the way to back to -
Sandy Beach 1 mile, Dry Desert - 10 miles .......
where they take the correct turn and end up at the beach they wanted to go in the first place.

At every stage there is a route back to the Sandy Beach and they consistently miss this turn.

To me the entire 10 page book is an allegory of life. The Sandy Beach is the ultimate enlightenment and the other stops are whatever we crave in life - status, money, fame, possessions, power. Basically any state that doesn't give a sense of lasting peace or a permanent "Yes" to the question "Are we there yet ?" or "Have I arrived ?" (To word it differently).

It seems a little naive and perhaps subtly condescending to say - status, money, fame, possessions, power are not the ultimate goals. But generally speaking; is there is a threshold when we say we have enough money? Or we have enough material possessions? There is always something more to buy, there is always more money to earn, more places to see, more power to wield, more followers to get, more more more ........ It is a never ending quest. No, at least I do not consider it the ultimate destination.

The ultimate destination or nirvana if you will; does not mean an end to experiences nor is it the end of pursuit. It does mean that what you achieve and the joy of achievement is independent of the need for validation - be it internal or external.

It is like enjoying the beach for its own sake - rather than racing through the experience to put up a selfie/picture to show you are enjoying. The act of sharing the picture itself is trivial. However there is a difference in putting up a picture to share your happiness with your friends vs putting up a picture to show you are enjoying.

And so - when I look at life - I know my answer to that question is: "No - This is not the beach". I am still journeying (or lost ? ) ...... and that question still haunts me.