And a year has passed ...

And so a year has gone by since that soul passed away. Today, at odd times I would remember - at this time she was alive, now, oh god now she must have gotten hurt and by now she was gone.

Made me think - 

- One never knows when it is going to be one's last day.

- One never knows the last time one would say bye to a beloved sibling. 

- One never knows the last time one would plan a joyous occasion with friends.

- So many lasts..... Too many lasts...

And so many I have gone through. Each loss is a drip of acid on my heart.

Why ARE we here ? Everything seems meaningless in the end.

Grief changes shape, but it never ends.

How do you measure a life ?

How do you measure a life ?

The loss of one has upended so many beliefs.

Even with records we fade in three generations at most. 

Would you measure a person by their accomplishments ? The change they brought about in the world ? Where could the common person go in this case ? ( All those bones in the bone museum in Europe ? )

By the number of people who grieved their loss ? By the lives they touched - small or big ?

I do not have answers but it makes me think ........

Blues and Grays

 A new year unseen,

A celebration not participated in,

Time moves on, relentless; 

Repudiating the mourning within.

And still ....

Sadness 

 In the quiet of the mornings I remember,

In the middle of a presentation I recall,

When going about my daily routine - 

A sudden twist in my heart as I recollect...

I wonder at the connection and

Why I still grieve .... 

Why do I still feel a wrench in my heart ?

When in reality you were unknown to me.

Grief - Again

What can you say about 16 year old girl who died ? In a freak accident ? 

I still feel pangs of sorrow when I recall the shocking news. It comes to me at odd times - one week has passed, a fortnight and now a month..... 

A girl was riding her bicycle near her home, a speeding van hit the bicycle, she was grievously injured, taken to the hospital but did not survive. 

So much heartache in those few words. 

Such bleak and futile jumble of thoughts -

- Why ? 

- A senseless loss

- Such a young child with so much to look forward to in life

- Vicarious grief of the parents ... Siblings ...

- Her birthday was 3 days later and her friends were planning her 17th birthday 

- Her graduation day pic 

- The happy smile 

- Pic of her in Yercaud 

- Pic of her in school - 5th std, the innocence

- The boomerang clip 

- Her collection for eye care camp for the elderly, still accessible online

- She was the baby of the family 

- Her teen friends being all weepy and all torn up

- The screen shot of 'not read' but delivered 

- The short video in insta the prev day and her comment 

- Her closest friend's celebrating her birthday on July 7th to get some kind of closure with her photo 

- The accident itself 

- The cold forehead after life flows away 

- The idea that she had multiple injuries; and perhaps was on the road for god knows how long ?

- The hope that she did not suffer or feel any pain with her multiple injuries 

- The hope that she was not scared and was hopefully unconscious when she was so badly hurt 

- Life's fragility ....

A distressing depressing montage of images and a desolate cold void inside......

Wild Hope ......

Wild Hope - when I truly understood the diagnosis,
Wild Hope - when I realized the terminal prognosis.

Wild Hope - because you hear of miracles happening everyday, everywhere ; One just needs to BELIEVE !
So ... I shush my voice of reason .. even though inside I grieve.

Wild Hope - through the slow and steady decline,
Wild Hope - because I want her to be perfect and fine !!!!

Wild Hope - even though I can see the loss of the precious person inside,
Wild Hope - even though I know that time is not on my side.

Wild Hope - through those numerous hospital trips,
Wild Hope - even as another part of her chips.

Times passes, a little battered and bruised - my wild hope is still there,
After all what is the point of wild hope even if my wish for a MIRACLE has no prayer ???

Then ...... I look into the face that had looked at me with love and joy; whose essence has now flown away,
And still that wild hope lingers - thinking everybody could be a wrong ...... but no .... not that day.

And my heart stutters ...... 'cos I knew ......... always knew it would come to this,
But that wild ...... WILD HOPE I did not want to dismiss.

Now the ashes are immersed and the prayers are said ....
I am happy she is out of pain and there are no incidents that portend slow dread.

The days come and go, time passes in  haze,
I hate knowing - music does not touch her ; neither do the sun's rays.

Life goes on - but sometimes the stoic mask is difficult to maintain,
'Cos the void left by her absence - will always remain.

RIP Mom

Grief - Short note

 

"There is many a word that causes a tear in the eye .. but the saddest of them all is the simplest word 'goodbye'".

 

Lately I feel I am getting lots of bad news ... first from a friend involved in an accident that wiped half his family away.

 

Next from an acquaintance who lost her hubby ... 1 month after their wedding ... just after they came back from their honeymoon. Another teen lost his dad .... and ....... I don't think I need to add more.

 

In all these instances .. there seems to be a common thread. Insensitivity of the people who come to offer condolences.

 

• One person asks details about the accident
• Another person asks - How do you feel about your dad ? Do you miss him ? [ Er .. what kind of question is this ? Really ??? ]
• The girl is being consoled with ... "It is ok .. you are young .. you can always marry again " !
• I was told - "It is ok .. you have another sister "

 I do understand that to a large extent many people feel awkward and helpless knowing that no words can assuage the pain and one can really do nothing .... so I sincerely believe my friend was trying to tell me .. I still had another sibling to hold on to .... and did not mean to sound as if one sister was the same as another .... like interchangeable objects ....

 

But on the whole .. while people have different ways of handling grief .. I would think some things are common when one approaches them -

 

• If you don't know what to say .. it is better to just say .. you don't know what to say ...

• Not many people like to rehash the loss ..... get the clues from the demeanor of the person ... and keep quiet when you get this edict

• Last and definitely not the least ... every person is unique so the anguish the departure of that person brings is also unique .... the age, the situation in life .... does not matter ... only how much that person was loved.

So whether it is a still-born child, a 5 month old baby, a 6 yr old boy, a teen girl, a father , a grandmother etc ... the age has nothing to do with acute sense of distress ... and nor can one person be replaced with another !!!!

 

At most for a person who is old you might be able to face the bereavement with a degree of equanimity because you believe they have lived a long and [ hopefully ] happy life. But that may not really dull the pain ...

 

So when one visits a person in sorrow it is time to take a step back and make a conscious decision to try and be more perceptive.

Like my friend told me during my difficult time ..... "Letting go has never been easy but holding on can be just as difficult. Yet strength is (sometimes) measured not by holding on but by letting go."