Key Learnings from - How Children Succeed - Paul Tough

I have made a ppt of the key notes ( if that is what you prefer to read ) from this book which can be found at this link -
How children succeed - Key Learnings.

I personally feel that much of the wisdom distilled in this book is common sense. However .... to quote
 "If common sense were all that common - we would all have it !!! "    :)

And so ... here goes ....

First of all - I expected the book to be a sort of manual on - How to 'make' children succeed ! The author in his wisdom - shared only details of how children succeed but not any specific tools ! :) My bad ! :)

Anywayz ..... I finished as fast as I could - I was so eager to read it since I had heard of it - in June 2013. I tend to be a slow reader where non-fiction is concerned. I write up the notes ( okay now I highlight ! ;) ) , re-read sections and in general seem to make a study of the book rather than reading. [ And yet - not all points remain in mind ;) ]

Most of the things that I felt were note-worthy in this book are based on two premises

• Good parenting has an effect that is not just emotional but also physiological. It literally alters brain patterns – especially in early childhood.

• Character matters. It is not just the IQ but EQ. 

Let me first focus on parental behaviour and nurturing.

• "The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say; it is biochemical". 

Long ago I had learnt that there were no perfect parenting models. I cannot recall where exactly I read this but what impressed me most about that message was that it asked parents not to worry that they were not perfect. That many parenting-mistakes-or-lapses could all be overcome with demonstrative love towards the children. It was a measure of reassurance.

This book reiterates the same albeit with more drastic evidence. It says that hardships create changes in the physiology of the child.

"Adversity during childhood can cause changes in the prefrontal cortex which is the center of self-regulatory activities. This kind of damage can last a lifetime - making it difficult for children to concentrate and to handle emotional disappointments."

And yet .... Even this kind of impairment can be alleviated with high quality mothering. Warm nurturing can act as a buffer against the biochemical damages stress can inflict on a child. Amazing I thought !!!

So .... although you may like showing flash cards, don't forget to be more attentive towards your children. Listen to them, respond to their emotional needs, comfort them, hug them, talk to them.

Paying full attention when the child is speaking or during a game of Jenga can make profound difference for a child's future prospects. It makes them more self-reliant and creates a "secure base" from which they can explore the world.

• "Under-parenting is harmful but so is over-parenting."

While under-pareting clearly creates stress which is not conducive to success in general - over-parenting is not good either.

Over-parenting is where where "Academic achievements are elevated above emotional needs".

In over-parenting - The child depends on external affirmation for success to such an extent that when unexpected challenges come in life - He / She does not have any internal resources to overcome them and hence can crumble at the first hurdle.



Now on to - Character development

What is character ? A succicnt definition by the author - "Character is created by encountering and overcoming failure"

After the age of 8 – IQ is not easy to manipulate. However character strengths – like grit, self-control, conscientiousness are better indicators of children who will prosper in life.

Mentioned below are some of the traits that are part of a character that can work towards success -

• Ability to manage failure

Rich children tend to be insulated from suffering while poor kids face nothing but challenges. Instead every child should have child-sized adversity which they can overcome without help.

• Ability to do mental contrasting.

This trait reminds me of the Scout Motto - "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst" To some extent this is what mental contrasting is about.

It means concentrating on a positive result while being aware of all the obstacles on the way. This helps - first of all to formulate alternate strategies and then to choose wisely amongst the choices.

• Optimism

An optimist does not remain down for long. After a setback an optimist will pick himself/herself up with a short term explanation for the bad event. They do not end up under a cloud of "Why me ? " or "I am always unlucky".

• Self-control and Flexibility

"Self control is ability to inhibit an instinctive or habitual response and substitute for a better less obvious one."

I am presuming that most parents by now would have heard of the famous Marshmallow test by Walter Mischel. It emphasized delayed gratification.

Delayed gratification which is mainly about self- control and flexibility hinges on -

1. An ability to think outside the box. [ Some of the children imagined the bar of chocolate to be something else. ] 
2. Ability to handle unfamiliar situations.

• Grit

It is the ability to persist. Stressed out children find it difficult to sustain efforts towards a particular goal since they tend to be overwhelmed with negative feelings.


Point by point some of the best ways to equip a child to be successful is -

1. Ensure he / she is protected from chronic stress especially in childhood.
2. Have a secure relationship with the child - ideally both parents.
3. Discipline - there has to be someone to say 'No' - so the child can know limits.
4. Allow the child to fall down and get up without help. The idea is for the child to learn to “manage failure”.
5. Do not over over-criticize.
6. Minimal after-school adult supervision is detrimental.
7. Do not burden the child with excessive achievement pressure.

To conclude

 "There are no short-cuts to success in raising children " ! 

Good luck !

Book Review - Made to Stick by Chip Heath and Dan Heath

I read this book on Ashwin's recommendation. Thanks Ashwin ! :)

There was a mild sense of deja vu when I read this book and that may have been because of all the literature read on - how to make good presentations / proposals / speeches / ads .... etc. [ Have you seen Steve Job's presentations ? :) Sadly I still lack in this area !!! ]. Principles like - KISS ( which is called "Simple" in this book ) , make an impact ( Unexpectedness ), a picture speaks a thousand words etc . Plus one cannot help remembering all the ads / stories / one-liners that have stuck to one's mind !! :))

Having said that the book puts tangible strategies into a simple usable formula , a kind of handy reference - that can be used like a ready reckoner to help make ideas 'stick' in the minds of the audience. Towards this at the end of every chapter a case study is taken and examined/analyzed against the formula -- and an effort is make to understand why one of idea 'sticks'. Nothing like an example to illustrate practicality.

The formula for stickiness - SUCCESs (Simple, Unexpected, Concrete, Credible, Emotional, and Story). The last 'S' is deliberately left out. Does this make the formula more 'sticky' ? :)

Some things I liked / learned from the book [ This is by no means exhaustive - I liked the book in its entirety ].

1. Curse of Knowledge - Many people who are communicating an idea know so much about a subject that they are unable to put themselves in the shoes of their audience who may know very little about that topic. [ Ever sat through the presentation of an expert and found most of it went over the head ? :) ]. This is the curse of knowledge - “Once we know something, it is hard to imagine what it was like not to know it.”

2. The story of prejudice - A teacher Jane Elliott in Iowa was trying to think of a way to explain to her class of third-graders about prejudice. This was after the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. She wanted to convey the idea of why someone would hate enough to kill them.

So she first divided the class into brown-eyed children and blue-eyed children. Then brown-eyed children were told they were superior to blue-eyed children. They were allowed to sit in better seats in the class and given extra time at recess. Blue-eyed children were made to wear a collar so that their superior brown-eyed classmates could identify them anywhere and ignore or taunt them. . The brown-eyed children were vicious in their contempt and hate. The blue-eyed kids began to do poorly in subjects they had previously done well in.

One day later - the teacher reversed her statement - she told that blue-eyed children were superior to the brown-eyed children. Now the brown-eyed children faced the discrimination, poor grades , the physical collar and taunts. With the change the prejudice also turned around.

She ended the experiment on the 3rd day - telling them neither were superior. But the experiment made the idea of prejudice concrete ! Years later - her students still remembered the profound message that differences can generate excessive hate - enough to kill.

3. Business managers seem to believe that, once they've clicked through a PowerPoint presentation showcasing their conclusions, they've successfully communicated their ideas. What they've done is share data.

4. There is a curious disconnect between the amount of time we invest in training people how to arrive at the Answer and the amount of time we invest in training them how to Tell Others !

5. Stripping out information, in order to focus on the core, is not instinctual. There is a tendency to include every single fact as though the quantity of data amassed is more important.

6. Why stories work - If you make an argument, you're implicitly asking the audience to evaluate your argument - judge it, debate it, criticize it - and then argue back, at least in their minds. But with a story, you engage the audience - you are involving people with the idea, asking them to participate with you.

In the last pages - there is a reference guide which are like notes plus there is a section on common communication problems and what to do about them. Definitely useful.

All in all - a fast and easy read , interspersed with many examples and certainly a book that can picked up to improve in communication ( and be remembered ) - be it via presentations / speeches / ads / business proposals .....