No one can have it all !!

No one can have it all. No one !

There !!! That is my line in the sand. I am growing increasingly weary of reading that "Women cannot have it all". True. However it misses an essential point. No one can have it all. That is akin to saying one can eat one's cake and have it too. Nope not happening !

1. "Opportunity cost"

This is a concept in economics that expresses the basic relationship between scarcity and choice.

To pick from from Wikipepedia

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines it as "the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen".

Did a guy choose to take on a bigger role in sales ? It may be that he will have less time with his teenager son.

Did you choose to work after having a baby ? Well that has the associated cost of your kid not having a full time parent. Conversely - did you choose to be a SAHM ? Well perhaps the art world lost some excellent paintings since you decided to hang up your brushes for a while. Hmmm ???

The notion of opportunity cost plays a crucial part in ensuring that scarce resources are used efficiently.^[3]

The point is - every step, every choice, every direction taken always always has an opportunity cost. We make what we think is the best decision for that particular set of circumstances with whatever information and limited resources we have at hand.

Trade-offs are a part of life - whether you are a man or woman.


2. Balanced life is a myth.

If one wishes to be good at anything - one needs to invest the required time and energy. The way I see it - choose your important areas and focus on them.

Does this mean - I consider home and work to be on opposite sides of the coin ? No. I prefer to think
that one should aim at achieving a state of dynamic equilibrium. 


3. Dynamic equilibrium

To me this indicates constant motion [ preferably forward !! :) ] and a state where many competing influences are balanced ; over a period of time. It is the totality that counts - not a  a daily accounting of  'perfection' in all areas. All competing forces do not have to be created equal every single day.

It is fine if today you were a better manager and yesterday you did better in the role of a parent.

Having it all

• First - there is no "Having it all". Instead look at being in a state of dynamic equilibrium.

• Second - Choose your idea of what works for you. Prioritize ruthlessly. Refuse to torture yourself with guilt. This includes having crazy standards like

• Home has to be as clean as that of someone else who has 4 live-in servants.
• Cooking skills have to be equivalent to that of a chef who makes her/his living as a top chef.
• Corporate climb has to be the same as that of another man who may not be baking those cupcakes for his child's entire class.
• Children should always approve of you as a parent. [ Seriously ?? ]

• Third - Chill out. Stop wanting to "do-it-all". Delegate. Don't many superiors think they can do a better job than their sub-ordinates ? [ This includes your MIL too ;) ] It doesn't stop them from delegating right ?

• Fourth - Women are needed in the work space - as this Catalyst report clearly indicates. 

Does this mean I don't understand reality ? Of course not - the glass ceiling exists and so do the booth babes. The feeling of helplessness when you are in another city and your child is battling with fever miles away, exists.

However reality also means - house work never ends ! Bias and prejudice exist every where - be it based on gender, culture, country, race etc. Bias also exists when a guy wants to take time off to be with his child - especially if it is for a long duration. :)

Indra Nooyi's mother

I wrote this blog after reading that appalling tale of Indra Nooyi's mother - who asked her daughter to leave her crown outside and get milk at 10 o clock.

To me - she is classic example of a weak person - who could neither get the milk herself, nor could bring herself to ask her son-in-law to bring the milk. She was incapable of appreciating her daughter but chose instead to cut her down to size probably out of small minded jealousy ... showing that we women are sometimes our own worst enemies.

Expectations Inheritance 

I know I am lucky. I have excellent women role models and men who are strong enough that strength in a woman does not scare them. If I come home with a crown - my mom as well as my mother-in-law would be as proud of me - as they would be if their son came home with it. 

At the end of day - I would hope that by choosing not to "Have it all" - we can pass realistic aspirations to both our sons and daughters. It could mean happier homes and not houses that are battle grounds with insane expectations.

It could also mean that when a woman came home - in spite of the mound of dishes in the sink - she can still relax b'cos nobody is holding her up [ including herself ] to impossible standards and someone else may choose to load the dishwasher or simply wash up. Pragmatic wouldn't you say ?

It is the best of the times, It is the worst of the times .....

I think we live in an age that is slowly allowing us women to have the best of both worlds. We can take time off in years and come back to the working world. Or we can continue working through out. Sure we pay a price - but then there is that idea of "Opportunity Cost" all over  again !

Balanced Life is a Myth

Much has been written about Michael Jackson and more will be written. Already there are umpteen tribute songs, latest rehearsal clips and what not. There will be a whole industry that will cater to ensuring his memory is kept alive and and more importantly ... making dollars !! :) May be it will help clear his debts !! :))



I was thinking of his early debut in the music world. He joined the family band at the age of 5. Under the hands of his father he underwent infinite rehearsals to hone his talent. But is this so unusual ? It does not seem so .. consider the following celebrities...

• Venus and Serena Williams - who say they do not remember ever learning to play ... they just knew how to play !!!
• Andre Agassi - whose father Mike Agassi is supposed to have hung a tennis ball over Andre's crib and taped a racket to his hand as soon as he could walk !!
  

I am sure there are others .... but I am not commenting on the parenting styles of the parents of these celebrities.


My question is more basic - would these people have become so great in their fields without the overwhelming and relentless focus in their areas of expertise ? Just think of some other top-notch people -

• Michael Phelps - Trains 5-6 hours every day ... 7 days a week ... 365 days a year ... no holidays / Sundays. This hardly leaves him time for anything else.
• Tiger Woods - Was a child prodigy who began to play golf at the age of two. He does weight training and of course practises golf daily especially his swings.
• Vishwanathan Anand - Daily tunes up anywhere between 4 - 10 hours depending on whether he has a match or not.
• Warren Buffett - He was just 6 when he displayed his ability to make money off cola bottles !!
• Bill Gates - Was never satisfied to be the best. He always had to push beyond.
• It is well known that vocalists, musicians, dancers, circus performers, magicians etc have to practise/rehearse daily. It is not enough to know their trade - they must hone it on a daily basis.
  

This kind of targeted knuckling down obviously does not leave much time to lead a so-called-balanced life. And what is a balanced life ? Is it really good-to-have ?


When I was working I had attended this workshop called "I can". There was an exercise in which we were supposed to draw 8 spokes of a wheel. Each spoke represented a section of our life - like - spiritual , professional , health, relationships like father/mother/sister/brother etc ....I forget the rest. One had to mark how proficient one was in each section. 0 was the center. 10 was the extreme and represented 100%. And at the end of it .. we were to join all these points on the 8 spokes. Needless to say the joined dots never formed a circle which was supposedly the result to aspire for. But today I believe living a balanced life is a myth. Like it or not unless we invest in our orbit of excellence - we will never be good - forget being the best !


In this process of trying to lead a balanced life ... we do not seem to recognize that it seems to be a path to becoming a "Jack-of-all-trades-and-master-of-none". Perhaps it is time to accept that living a balanced life is not really desirable. It seems to be recipe to make one mediocre .... It is more beneficial to focus on our core strengths in one / two domains and realize that everything else will be at the expense of these ... and rightly so. Being a master in any sphere involves - time, effort, discipline and yes; sacrifice.
More to the point - Natural ability or talent ... will just remain raw potential unless it is exploited. Couple of areas of our life will dominate our waking hours - making time and having time for any other interest is just a bonus. So forget trying to be a 'super-anything' .... just be excessively good in your mainstays and let the rest take care of itself !! :))
This begs the question ..... For some these child prodigies - did their parents do a good thing by helping them harness their abilities or did they do them a disservice by pushing them so early ?
Would the genius have surfaced without the prodding ?