No one can have it all !!

No one can have it all. No one !

There !!! That is my line in the sand. I am growing increasingly weary of reading that "Women cannot have it all". True. However it misses an essential point. No one can have it all. That is akin to saying one can eat one's cake and have it too. Nope not happening !

1. "Opportunity cost"

This is a concept in economics that expresses the basic relationship between scarcity and choice.

To pick from from Wikipepedia

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines it as "the loss of potential gain from other alternatives when one alternative is chosen".

Did a guy choose to take on a bigger role in sales ? It may be that he will have less time with his teenager son.

Did you choose to work after having a baby ? Well that has the associated cost of your kid not having a full time parent. Conversely - did you choose to be a SAHM ? Well perhaps the art world lost some excellent paintings since you decided to hang up your brushes for a while. Hmmm ???

The notion of opportunity cost plays a crucial part in ensuring that scarce resources are used efficiently.^[3]

The point is - every step, every choice, every direction taken always always has an opportunity cost. We make what we think is the best decision for that particular set of circumstances with whatever information and limited resources we have at hand.

Trade-offs are a part of life - whether you are a man or woman.


2. Balanced life is a myth.

If one wishes to be good at anything - one needs to invest the required time and energy. The way I see it - choose your important areas and focus on them.

Does this mean - I consider home and work to be on opposite sides of the coin ? No. I prefer to think
that one should aim at achieving a state of dynamic equilibrium. 


3. Dynamic equilibrium

To me this indicates constant motion [ preferably forward !! :) ] and a state where many competing influences are balanced ; over a period of time. It is the totality that counts - not a  a daily accounting of  'perfection' in all areas. All competing forces do not have to be created equal every single day.

It is fine if today you were a better manager and yesterday you did better in the role of a parent.

Having it all

• First - there is no "Having it all". Instead look at being in a state of dynamic equilibrium.

• Second - Choose your idea of what works for you. Prioritize ruthlessly. Refuse to torture yourself with guilt. This includes having crazy standards like

• Home has to be as clean as that of someone else who has 4 live-in servants.
• Cooking skills have to be equivalent to that of a chef who makes her/his living as a top chef.
• Corporate climb has to be the same as that of another man who may not be baking those cupcakes for his child's entire class.
• Children should always approve of you as a parent. [ Seriously ?? ]

• Third - Chill out. Stop wanting to "do-it-all". Delegate. Don't many superiors think they can do a better job than their sub-ordinates ? [ This includes your MIL too ;) ] It doesn't stop them from delegating right ?

• Fourth - Women are needed in the work space - as this Catalyst report clearly indicates. 

Does this mean I don't understand reality ? Of course not - the glass ceiling exists and so do the booth babes. The feeling of helplessness when you are in another city and your child is battling with fever miles away, exists.

However reality also means - house work never ends ! Bias and prejudice exist every where - be it based on gender, culture, country, race etc. Bias also exists when a guy wants to take time off to be with his child - especially if it is for a long duration. :)

Indra Nooyi's mother

I wrote this blog after reading that appalling tale of Indra Nooyi's mother - who asked her daughter to leave her crown outside and get milk at 10 o clock.

To me - she is classic example of a weak person - who could neither get the milk herself, nor could bring herself to ask her son-in-law to bring the milk. She was incapable of appreciating her daughter but chose instead to cut her down to size probably out of small minded jealousy ... showing that we women are sometimes our own worst enemies.

Expectations Inheritance 

I know I am lucky. I have excellent women role models and men who are strong enough that strength in a woman does not scare them. If I come home with a crown - my mom as well as my mother-in-law would be as proud of me - as they would be if their son came home with it. 

At the end of day - I would hope that by choosing not to "Have it all" - we can pass realistic aspirations to both our sons and daughters. It could mean happier homes and not houses that are battle grounds with insane expectations.

It could also mean that when a woman came home - in spite of the mound of dishes in the sink - she can still relax b'cos nobody is holding her up [ including herself ] to impossible standards and someone else may choose to load the dishwasher or simply wash up. Pragmatic wouldn't you say ?

It is the best of the times, It is the worst of the times .....

I think we live in an age that is slowly allowing us women to have the best of both worlds. We can take time off in years and come back to the working world. Or we can continue working through out. Sure we pay a price - but then there is that idea of "Opportunity Cost" all over  again !

Book Review - Lean In - Sheryl Sandberg

I don't know why I passively resisted reading this book but I did. I had heard the TED talk first and for some reason felt the book would be a  list of To-Dos which would never be achievable in the real world. Sounds uncharitable to have jumped to that conclusion. The TED talk is good and the points she mentions are true and yet I put off reading the book ! I am glad I finally read it.

So - what stands out for me in the book ?

1 -- The fact that she admits to having doubts, fear, worry and is not effortlessly confident all the time. It is the kind of vulnerability that I find myself astonished she would admit ! 

That a person like her has self-doubts and is unsure makes me feel - it is okay not to have all the answers. This is what drew me in and what made me continue reading. The book was not formulaic and the candid tone was refreshing.

2 -- The “Tiara Syndrome” !! 

In her own words -  it is where women “expect that if they keep doing their jobs well, someone will notice them and place a tiara on their head.”  Performance in school [ where the Tiara Syndrome is perpetuated I feel ] especially for girls is not always indicative of how well they will do in their careers. Especially the road to the executive office.

3 -- An internal report at Hewlett-Packard revealed that women only apply for open jobs if they think they meet 100 percent of the criteria listed. Men apply if they think they meet 60 percent of the requirements. 

I have seen this and am not surprised by the report but it bears re-iterating.

4 -- The way women leave before they actually leave. 

So many decisions based on "What-if" situations that are years away - be it marriage or children or elder care. The years before having a family are the time to work hard. I think her idea that  professional women measure the cost of child care against their future salary rather than their current salary - would ensure the years leading to family responsibility are not frittered away.

All in all a very good book that I would definitely recommend reading. 

Other snippets that I found informative and worth mentioning are listed below.

• A 2011 McKinsey report noted that men are promoted based on potential, while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.

• Fear is at the root of so many of the barriers that women face. Fear of not being liked. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of overreaching. Fear of being judged. Fear of failure. And the holy trinity of fear: the fear of being a bad mother/wife/daughter.

• Women, feel fraudulent when they are praised for their accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, they feel undeserving and guilty, as if a mistake has been made. Despite being high achievers, even experts in their fields, women can’t seem to shake the sense that it is only a matter of time until they are found out for who they really are—impostors with limited skills or abilities.

• We consistently underestimate ourselves.

• When a woman fails, she is more likely to believe it is due to an inherent lack of ability.

• Career progression often depends upon taking risks and advocating for oneself—traits that girls are discouraged from exhibiting.

• Success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women.

• He said that when you want to change things, you can’t please everyone. If you do please everyone, you aren’t making enough progress. Mark was right.

• I realized that searching for a mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince Charming !!! LOL ..

• I don’t know any woman who feels comfortable with all her decisions.

• Like me, most of the women I know do a great job worrying that we don’t measure up.

• Every job will demand some sacrifice. The key is to avoid unnecessary sacrifice.

• A task "Done is better than perfect".

• The right question is not “Can I do it all?” but “Can I do what’s most important for me and my family?”

And lastly ...

If society truly valued the work of caring for children, companies and institutions would find ways to reduce these steep penalties and help parents combine career and family responsibilities.

A new beginning .... or is it a full circle ?

Prelude : 

When I was in ........ [ Quick Observation - Don't many boring stories begin this way ??! ;) ] Indianapolis - I met a lady who was resolving some issues on my computer in the office and it took a while. We seemed to reach a friendly rapport and I found myself bemused with the kind of questions I asked her and her replies. [ They were so personal for a first chat - as it later occurred to me ].

For one thing - this was the time I was wondering if I should consider having a child once I was back in India. To me this was  not a light decision - it was a matter of a lifestyle change and obviously a mindset too. IMO it would not be fair to the child if I was not prepared for the adjustments and the sense of responsibility.

She simply said "Being a parent is a lifelong commitment, it does not end once they grow up. I have 3 children and they have children and yet I don't stop worrying about them ! ". Well ..... hmm this was something that had not occurred to me.

I then went on to her career and she astounded me when she said she had taken a 23 year break from her work and then reinvented herself and was employed now. She said that she had enjoyed the time with her children and she enjoyed having to learn new things once she was back in the job market and although the journey was not always easy - she was happy with her choices.

We chatted some more and while all my subsequent meetups with her were enjoyable the first talk really made an impression on me. Especially the part about being a parent forever ! :)

However I also realized I admired her for getting into the job market again after that kind of a long break. It definitely would not have been easy. As I discovered myself there is a bias when you come to the job market from a family related break. It does not matter whether it is fair or not - it is something that just is and needs to be acknowledged and handled.

Sabbatical : 

Anyway as life moved on -  I had a child - decided to take a break - initially was not sure if I wanted a 3 year break or shorter or longer but many readings I did around that time said - that the best formative years to be with the child were 0 - 8 years - so I did that.

I did my distance MBA after year 5 - took finance and marketing. And then when it seemed like my daughter needed less on-hand time [ emotionally she still needs me and her father too of course ] and preferred being with her circle of friends more - it looked like working was something I could now definitely go back to.

Job Hunting : 

And then the realities of the job markets - I would get many many pitches from job consultants who would back off once they knew I had come back to the job market from a break. One lady asked - Why was I even thinking of coming back ?? :)  I could never understand why they did not bother to read the headline of my CV - I was very very clear that I was coming back from a break and was looking at second innings.

All in all - I finally applied only to two jobs. One I had been called by the company and another was a link sent by my friend who had seen my status in facebook ! :) The first one - I called and checked that they knew I was coming after a break and when I was assured they knew - I went for the interview - only to get a rude shock. The person who was interviewing me clearly had not expected my break and although he spoke nicely, the bottom line was - they did not want me. I was very annoyed - not that they did not interview me - but that in spite of being clear on my CV they wasted my entire day !!

Friends' reactions to my job hunting - ranged from disbelief, encouragement,  to a quiet pity that I would never get a job ! ;)  LOL ..... Other than a couple of them - most friends for all their personal opinions were supportive.

On the whole I did not mind [ I AM realistic ] - Yes I would prefer to enter the corporate world again but that did not mean other avenues were closed.

Interview : 

The link sent by my friend was a linkedin url and I applied. After telephonic screening I was asked to come in person. And then to my astonishment the first person who I was to meet was the CEO of the company ! LOL - I was definitely taken aback. I called HR and they confirmed the same. As I was to later comprehend, the diversity initiative was his drive - and hence he was actively involved. [ He has since then moved on to  US within the same company and is now no longer the CEO of the Indian unit ] 

After his queries when he asked me if I had any questions; of course I had !!! After all how often would I get to ask questions of a CEO ? :)

Then came the technical round and couple more rounds. On skype I had the final call with my current manager and then got the offer letter.

First day : 

First day at my job was almost like a deja vu. The cubicles, the AC , the quiet hum of computers , the adjusting of the seat height and  the access cards ! It almost felt like the years had melted away and I was merely joining a new project ! I liked my colleagues and I joined at the right time ! One week later we went on a team outing where we played many team games that definitely broke the ice altogether ! :)

;)

Breaking the news : 

Tough times or times when you are not entirely sure of what the future holds do give you a better understanding of who truly are your friends. Reactions ranged from happiness for me to "Ok ok" over whatsapp !! As you can understand the "Ok ok" person has been relegated to "Don't bother" category ! ;) LOL ... Another friend was happy to come at meet me at my office !! :) I was happy too !! :)

What now ?

I don't know the future and I am taking things as they come ! :) There are of course different challenges now - the eternal work-life balance, how to be with my child, logistics of baby care etc :) Will probably be asking tips from "Both working" couples ! :)

I called up an aunt - the one who had supported me with a few words during my break; that I had made the right choice for me and never mind the nay sayers. She was pleased and happy for me.

In the final analysis that is what makes a difference - if you are given the same choices again - would you choose the same thing ? I know I would - so I am happy with the choices I have made and I am happy life has worked out to give me a chance at working in the area I prefer.

I have not said much about the support given to me by my spouse  and my child - simply because even the job hunting may have been a non-action item if they had not backed me !!! :)

I am also happy with the friends I have, since that all-too-important link was given by a friend who cared enough to respond to my fb rant !!!! ;)

It's a new beginning .. a path traversed before and yet .. different this time around ...

Mom ? Or just a doubtful indecisive person ?

With a child every decision  is fraught with doubt ....

-- If you quit your job you wonder if you are sending the wrong signal by not working but if you work you bemoan the lack of time with your child ... :)

-- When you send your child to classes on drawing , piano , swimming etc you question if you are not allowing the child free time ... if you lessen the classes you ask yourself if you are not exposing the child enough to new ventures that he/she could learn ....

-- When you prepare food you ponder if you are getting the nutrients right .. if you don't and instead have a cook .. you feel guilty for not cooking every meal and snack yourself ! :)

-- If you scold the child you feel guilty for hurting him/her but if you don't you contemplate whether you not making the child too soft emotionally and tied to your apron strings .... :)

-- If you spend lots of time playing with your child you speculate if you are making him/her dependent on you for entertainment; if you don't you feel like a heel for not spending enough time with the child...

-- If you read many story books to the child you wonder if you not paying enough attention to physical development and motor skills ... if you don't spend enough time reading you feel you are not preparing your child for future study ! :)

-- When you are firm you deliberate if you are being too authoritative and if you are lenient you mull over if you are spoiling the child ! :)

-- When you allow your child to play in the rain you muse if you have lost your senses ( :) ) lieu of the swine flu scare and but if you don't, you feel the child has lost an opportunity of spontaneous fun under the raindrops ...

And the list goes on .... damned if you do and damned if you don't !!! :)

  I believe this is not a question of right or wrong .. which I think would be easier to handle ..... it is a question of balance with respect to the individual nature of the child ..... and who knows what the balance is ... ??? :)))

I wonder if this is a common obsession / compulsion that makes me over-think every step I take .......

However even though I cannot help but think that my daughter deserves so much more better than the kind of parent I am .... when she unexpectedly gives me a hug and says "I love you Mama" ... I think may be ... just may be ....I am not doing such a bad job after all .....