8 Ruminations on the past year 2022

So what has last year made me reflect on ?

1. Life can sucker punch you at any time !!! Yes I know this but still when it happened yet again, it left me completely winded and with my head ringing ! I am yet to find my balance from the current knock out punch I have received. 

2. Schadenfreude - This person could barely keep her pleased smile from appearing on her face when she visited me (Uninvited! Bcoz of 'other' relations !). Did she think that would make me feel bad ? Nope, I know life does not leave anyone unscathed. The only difference is - your miseries may be hidden from me.  ( But I already know for this particular person !!!! ). 

3. Calling someone 'strong' is a cop out - Unless you are there to support or truly help; this is like saying - I called you strong and now my part is done thank God with no efforts whatsoever required after this. 

Some kind of checking off the list ! Of course there is a place for backing off but in general, like Robert Pirsig said - it is just calling a name, you have not solved anything. 

And don't you think I know when you cannot wait to get off the phone just in case I opportune you into helping me out when you clearly don't want to ???? 

4. My home, my castle and nobody asked your opinion - I never understand people who go to another person's house and start to criticize the house, the location, the décor, the cleanliness etc. First of all unsolicited opinions are unwelcome, second it does not increase regard, it only makes the person look crass, ill-mannered, uncouth and of terrible upbringing. That don't impress me much !!!  

5. Toxic, Tone deaf people - Snip, snip, snip - Eliminating these kind of toxic people from my life. I have always removed such people but there were couple that I kept in touch with. Part of it I think, was sinking cost fallacy and the strength of weak ties. I have come to the realization that even for weak ties I can choose better. So .. off they go out of my life.

6. Old people need to earn their respect - An old person can get consideration for their old age infirmities physically but respect ? Respect is earned. A long lived life does not necessarily equate to a well lived life ( so many parasites' out there ! ). 

Also why do people think that passing a derogatory comment about my child's upbringing the first time you meet her will make me want to please you ? It has the opposite effect. First of all it makes me wonder at how come old age has not made you nicer or wiser or even generous. It also tells me how out of touch with reality you are, desperately hanging on to your old age to claim your superiority because you have nothing else to offer. 

And unluckily for you - my child has also judged you - and knows to avoid you like a plague !!! That respect you were hankering for, definitely ain't there mate !

7. Two month deadlines - are better for short term goals, and systems are better for both short and long terms goals. Personal accountability and productivity is something I enjoy and each year it evolves. This year I will be trying out this way for the things I want to do.

8. Living forwards and backwards  - Living forwards - I still have my goal to keep working till 75 at least like the chairman of Persistent Systems; Anand Deshpande said we women should aspire to in his talk with us in Pune. Living backwards - On the other hand I think I am closer to the end than to the beginning of my life so I value my time more. Obviously I have no idea of my future life span. 

What it does translate into is that - I chuck books that don't hold my interest, I no longer watch videos that don't grab my attention, I don't spend energy on things for the sake of impressing anyone but most of all - I no longer have a bucket list. I consider myself very lucky - be it travel, sports adventures, work that I like, sabbatical, friends, relatives, life experiences in general. I no longer feel the need to have a bucket list. I am blessed. And that is a good feeling. Does that mean I will not seek out new experiences ? No but it does mean I no longer am bound to a list of things I need to accomplish to feel fulfilled.

Here's to another year of life and its vagaries.

CLAT and Karma

Today is Dec 18th (IST) and why does this date make me sad ? I am thinking of that girl in Delhi whose face was splashed with nitric acid just a a few days back. She wanted to write the CLAT exam and had wanted to be a judge. Today she's in the hospital, I have no idea if her eyes will be okay and this to me is painful and distressing.

What a terrible blow to her dreams, her aspirations and a loss to our country too !!! 

If she loses a year, that is still a lost year. And what about her future life ? What about her face ? Our face is our identity after all. I had seen one case during my engineering college days too. And felt the same anger, anguish for that girl.

How do men perpetuate such crimes ? Where they hate someone so much that want to erase her essence like this ? What makes them think they the right to do so ? This is masculine energy gone so wrong, where they believe in rights that they have not earned. This is the mantra of incels too and then of course of the whole set of people afraid of women's rights and the female trafficking offenders.

Now just imagine, if part of the victim's anguish and suffering can be given to these people. Say - if acid attack, well then they will also get one free as a part of the punishment. After all why should they not face the same trauma that the poor kid is undergoing ? Every crime should have an element of the victim's trauma added to the perpetuator's punishment. Even supposedly white collar crimes that cause financial misery and suicides in so many families.

I have always thought that 'An eye for an eye' will not make the whole world blind. It will make a portion blind but be a deterrent to the rest. After all that is how we are not yet in a nuclear war right ? Not that this is a guarantee that there will not be one. As days pass - 'Matrix' like days don't seem far away.

I have never understood all these TED talks about vulnerability and empathy being great qualities. Once you read "The 48 laws of power" by Robert Greene and "The art of war" by Sun Tzu, they seem even more laughable. On top of that such talks are mostly by women !!! 

I guess I feel this way because I on certain issues I think I empathize to a detrimental extent. The dark side is that it is easy to feel so much that it weighs down on you. Long time back I had volunteered in a counselling center - I had to quit in a month (and the head counsellor agreed !) . It was so depressing - most of the women cited that the violence brought about on their person was by someone they knew !!! 

I believe cruelty and kindness know no religion or gender though. However it does make me wonder, is karma really a thing ? Or just statistical normality - after all everyone gets some kind of comeuppance in life at sometime. Is that all it is ? 

All this talk by saints and religious orders - all this assurance about rebirth, paying for your sins or that the meek shall inherit earth and about heaven and hell; is it just a hoax or a way in which to answer the most basic query by all - Will injustices seen in the world go unpunished ?

I have read the book 'Karma' by Sadhguru and I still do not feel enlightened about this aspect at all. I am still skeptic. And yet one keeps faith, because if one does not do so, where can one go for spiritual succor ? Hope keeps everything alive and one needs hope in divine justice.

So today as I sit here on a relaxing Sunday, thinking of watching the World Cup Football final, my heart goes out to that 17 year old school girl, whose dreams of writing the CLAT today have been taken away so sadistically.  My prayers to her and hope God gives her the strength to get through this phase and come out shining and bright on the other side. Her path is not going to be easy.

And a year has passed ...

And so a year has gone by since that soul passed away. Today, at odd times I would remember - at this time she was alive, now, oh god now she must have gotten hurt and by now she was gone.

Made me think - 

- One never knows when it is going to be one's last day.

- One never knows the last time one would say bye to a beloved sibling. 

- One never knows the last time one would plan a joyous occasion with friends.

- So many lasts..... Too many lasts...

And so many I have gone through. Each loss is a drip of acid on my heart.

Why ARE we here ? Everything seems meaningless in the end.

Grief changes shape, but it never ends.

How do you measure a life ?

How do you measure a life ?

The loss of one has upended so many beliefs.

Even with records we fade in three generations at most. 

Would you measure a person by their accomplishments ? The change they brought about in the world ? Where could the common person go in this case ? ( All those bones in the bone museum in Europe ? )

By the number of people who grieved their loss ? By the lives they touched - small or big ?

I do not have answers but it makes me think ........