Grief - Short note

 

"There is many a word that causes a tear in the eye .. but the saddest of them all is the simplest word 'goodbye'".

 

Lately I feel I am getting lots of bad news ... first from a friend involved in an accident that wiped half his family away.

 

Next from an acquaintance who lost her hubby ... 1 month after their wedding ... just after they came back from their honeymoon. Another teen lost his dad .... and ....... I don't think I need to add more.

 

In all these instances .. there seems to be a common thread. Insensitivity of the people who come to offer condolences.

 

• One person asks details about the accident
• Another person asks - How do you feel about your dad ? Do you miss him ? [ Er .. what kind of question is this ? Really ??? ]
• The girl is being consoled with ... "It is ok .. you are young .. you can always marry again " !
• I was told - "It is ok .. you have another sister "

 I do understand that to a large extent many people feel awkward and helpless knowing that no words can assuage the pain and one can really do nothing .... so I sincerely believe my friend was trying to tell me .. I still had another sibling to hold on to .... and did not mean to sound as if one sister was the same as another .... like interchangeable objects ....

 

But on the whole .. while people have different ways of handling grief .. I would think some things are common when one approaches them -

 

• If you don't know what to say .. it is better to just say .. you don't know what to say ...

• Not many people like to rehash the loss ..... get the clues from the demeanor of the person ... and keep quiet when you get this edict

• Last and definitely not the least ... every person is unique so the anguish the departure of that person brings is also unique .... the age, the situation in life .... does not matter ... only how much that person was loved.

So whether it is a still-born child, a 5 month old baby, a 6 yr old boy, a teen girl, a father , a grandmother etc ... the age has nothing to do with acute sense of distress ... and nor can one person be replaced with another !!!!

 

At most for a person who is old you might be able to face the bereavement with a degree of equanimity because you believe they have lived a long and [ hopefully ] happy life. But that may not really dull the pain ...

 

So when one visits a person in sorrow it is time to take a step back and make a conscious decision to try and be more perceptive.

Like my friend told me during my difficult time ..... "Letting go has never been easy but holding on can be just as difficult. Yet strength is (sometimes) measured not by holding on but by letting go."