How children succeed - Key Learnings.
I personally feel that much of the wisdom distilled in this book is common sense. However .... to quote
"If common sense were all that common - we would all have it !!! " :)
And so ... here goes ....
First of all - I expected the book to be a sort of manual on - How to 'make' children succeed ! The author in his wisdom - shared only details of how children succeed but not any specific tools ! :) My bad ! :)
Anywayz ..... I finished as fast as I could - I was so eager to read it since I had heard of it - in June 2013. I tend to be a slow reader where non-fiction is concerned. I write up the notes ( okay now I highlight ! ;) ) , re-read sections and in general seem to make a study of the book rather than reading. [ And yet - not all points remain in mind ;) ]
Most of the things that I felt were note-worthy in this book are based on two premises
- Good parenting has an effect that is not just emotional but also physiological. It literally alters brain patterns – especially in early childhood.
- Character matters. It is not just the IQ but EQ.
Let me first focus on parental behaviour and nurturing.
- "The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say; it is biochemical".
Long ago I had learnt that there were no perfect parenting models. I cannot recall where exactly I read this but what impressed me most about that message was that it asked parents not to worry that they were not perfect. That many parenting-mistakes-or-lapses could all be overcome with demonstrative love towards the children. It was a measure of reassurance.
This book reiterates the same albeit with more drastic evidence. It says that hardships create changes in the physiology of the child.
"Adversity during childhood can cause changes in the prefrontal cortex which is the center of self-regulatory activities. This kind of damage can last a lifetime - making it difficult for children to concentrate and to handle emotional disappointments."
And yet .... Even this kind of impairment can be alleviated with high quality mothering. Warm nurturing can act as a buffer against the biochemical damages stress can inflict on a child. Amazing I thought !!!
So .... although you may like showing flash cards, don't forget to be more attentive towards your children. Listen to them, respond to their emotional needs, comfort them, hug them, talk to them.
Paying full attention when the child is speaking or during a game of Jenga can make profound difference for a child's future prospects. It makes them more self-reliant and creates a "secure base" from which they can explore the world.
- "Under-parenting is harmful but so is over-parenting."
While under-pareting clearly creates stress which is not conducive to success in general - over-parenting is not good either.
Over-parenting is where where "Academic achievements are elevated above emotional needs".
In over-parenting - The child depends on external affirmation for success to such an extent that when unexpected challenges come in life - He / She does not have any internal resources to overcome them and hence can crumble at the first hurdle.
Now on to - Character development
What is character ? A succicnt definition by the author - "Character is created by encountering and overcoming failure"
After the age of 8 – IQ is not easy to manipulate. However character strengths – like grit, self-control, conscientiousness are better indicators of children who will prosper in life.
Mentioned below are some of the traits that are part of a character that can work towards success -
- Ability to manage failure
Rich children tend to be insulated from suffering while poor kids face nothing but challenges. Instead every child should have child-sized adversity which they can overcome without help.
- Ability to do mental contrasting.
This trait reminds me of the Scout Motto - "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst" To some extent this is what mental contrasting is about.
It means concentrating on a positive result while being aware of all the obstacles on the way. This helps - first of all to formulate alternate strategies and then to choose wisely amongst the choices.
- Optimism
An optimist does not remain down for long. After a setback an optimist will pick himself/herself up with a short term explanation for the bad event. They do not end up under a cloud of "Why me ? " or "I am always unlucky".
- Self-control and Flexibility
"Self control is ability to inhibit an instinctive or habitual response and substitute for a better less obvious one."I am presuming that most parents by now would have heard of the famous Marshmallow test by Walter Mischel. It emphasized delayed gratification.
Delayed gratification which is mainly about self- control and flexibility hinges on -
- An ability to think outside the box. [ Some of the children imagined the bar of chocolate to be something else. ]
- Ability to handle unfamiliar situations.
- Grit
It is the ability to persist. Stressed out children find it difficult to sustain efforts towards a particular goal since they tend to be overwhelmed with negative feelings.
Point by point some of the best ways to equip a child to be successful is -
- Ensure he / she is protected from chronic stress especially in childhood.
- Have a secure relationship with the child - ideally both parents.
- Discipline - there has to be someone to say 'No' - so the child can know limits.
- Allow the child to fall down and get up without help. The idea is for the child to learn to “manage failure”.
- Do not over over-criticize.
- Minimal after-school adult supervision is detrimental.
- Do not burden the child with excessive achievement pressure.
"There are no short-cuts to success in raising children " !
Good luck !
